"Call Me Dave."

"So, tell me, as a small dog, do you think subsidisation of the British banking system is ethically sound in the wake of the Government's total abandonment of the engineering, manufacturing, steel, shipping and motor industries in this country when they fell prey to the avaricious onslaught of capitalism?"


I had to interview David Cameron today. He called in at Daisytown as part of a whistle-stop tour (we journalists HAVE to write that - it's in our contract) of the country.

I am here to warn you...........he is a slippery customer! He had obviously been fully briefed by his spin doctors beforehand and knew just how to wriggle out of those awkward answers my questions demanded.
While other hacks were busy asking him about soaring inflation, an alleged crash in the property market and a perceived breakdown in the family unit, Pither took a different tack.

I reproduce below a transcript of my interview with him:

Pither: "Why are you such a cunt?"

Cameron: "I'd like to answer that question by first referring you to New Labour's record on education and the health service."

Pither: "Ok, so you admit you're a cunt, but why do you have to be such an oily, self-satisfied, pre-pubescent excuse for a cunt?"

Cameron: "I'm glad you asked me that because that is just what we at New Conservative are focusing on in moving forward with our drive to make Britain a place in which we will all be proud to live as part of a shared partnership with allied partners in which we are allied."

Pither: "What are the chances of you fucking off and dying in the next five minutes?"

Cameron: "I'm sorry to disappoint the dinosaurs of this country who stupidly believe in fair play, Socialism and the rich looking after the poor because I am in this for the long haul. I believe in putting the "Great" back into Great Britain and I also believe that snuurrr, flobble, grrrnchypoo, nnnnnngggggg, twimble......sorry, lost it a little there."

Pither: "...and putting the "cunt" back into "country", no doubt? No worries, Dave. Everyone knows you're a gibbering gland so they expect no less. Could I just ask you if your mother had ever heard of contraception and, if she had, why in the Holy name of fuck didn't she fucking practice it?"

Cameron: "I'm glad you've raised the issue of the breakdown in families. I strongly believe that.....that......is anyone going to eat that sausage roll?"

Pither: "Fuck off, knobcheese! I saw it first. Anyway, I have brought a gun with me so just bear with me while I put down my pen and notepad and cock the trigger. It's time to die, fuckarse, die!!!!"

Cameron: "Thank you. Will the photographer make sure to airbrush out the warts and the juvenile piss stains before you go to print?"

Bang, bang, bang.......the sound of sirens, a helicopter circling etc etc.

Ever had a shit day at work? Beat that one!!

Cameron can go to Grantham.