I was so moved (to the bar, anyway) by my pal The Big Green Thing and his considered opinion of a small town in the West Midlands that I have allowed him the honour of being the first special guest star to appear at Grantham New Town. Only his words do his thoughts justice so, it's over to him:
"I’m tremendously proud and honoured to have been invited by Reg to be the first person to contribute a guest spot rant-by-proxy to his esteemed blog. The following is the result of a conversation I had with Reg that started with a series of text messages and continued in the pub. Well, not THE pub, actually. Another one.
"For some time now, I’ve been carefully considering my opinion of a small town by the name of Walsall that isn’t a million miles from where Reg and I reside and is somewhere we both know fairly well. When I shared some of my more recent insights with Reg, a frank exchange of ideas ensued and we found ourselves in close agreement about the character of the place. After mutually exploring different aspects of the town from a wide range of perspectives – civic governance, aesthetic appeal, amenities, infrastructure, the nature of the local residents and so forth – we found ourselves in almost total agreement. Reg therefore thought it might be both novel and appropriate for him to offer me the use of this platform in order to share our views more widely with his readership. So this is the result: my report of our joint observations on the town of Walsall.
"It’s completely fucking shit."
(Reg – will this be enough? BGT)
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Badap-bap-bwaw muthafuckas…
5 days ago
Shaggy Blog Stories
9 comments:
With a name that sounds like a drunken man ordering his next pint, how could it not be shit?
Ok, leaving aside the majority of mutants that reside there, the screwed up road system, the forever-bungling council, the inept police force, the failing education system, the Illuminations, the largely crap football team, the high teenage birth rate, a hospital which ensures you get worse rather than better, the nightly treat of getting glassed in pubs, the increasing number of ASBO kids hanging around the streets, the Beechdale, Mossley, Birchills, Blakenall, Coalpool, Goscote, Caldmore, Palfrey and Yew Tree estates, the hundreds of town centre pigeons who constantly crap on shoppers, the dole dossers who spend all day in The Imperial blaming immigrants and foreigners for all their "problems", the racist communities, the obesity problem, the fact most people chuck their Greggs wrappers on the floor despite standing near a bin, the shocking level of animal cruelty, the lack of decent car parks and Meera Syal, there is nothing wrong with my home town.
Love
Big Ears
Wasall, so good they named it once
The last time walsall wqas interesting
On January 6, 1892, Joe Deakin, an anarchist from Walsall, was arrested on Tottenham Court Road, London on his way to the Autonomie Club. He was remanded in custody at Marlborough Street Court the next day on a charge of manufacturing bombs. Following this court appearance, Inspector Melville went to Walsall and that evening arrested Victor Cails, a Frenchman, and Fred Charles at the Socialist Club in Goodall Street, Walsall. Later William Ditchfield and John Westley were arrested in Walsall and Jean Battola, an Italian, was arrested in London. Deakin and Battola were taken to Walsall to stand trial. They were all jointly charged with bomb making. At their first appearance at the Walsall police court, the prosecution asked for a week's remand on the grounds that "[t]he authorities both in Walsall and London had received very important information with reference to what he might call a widespread conspiracy throughout the country."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walsall_Anarchists
Good or bad
Walsall has a long tradition of accommodating drunks, vagrants and the socially 'different', and we are always glad to welcome new members to the Sister Dora drop-in centre, which is situated in an open air setting in the middle of town. Here, there is ample seating (wooden benches and/or the floor) and a seemingly never-ending supply of cheap white cider. The centre was recently relocated, to the confusion of its clientele, when the Sister Dora statue was moved a few yards across the square. Matters were made worse when Walsall's other public work of art, a concrete hippo (see photo), took her place. During the following weeks, a number of tramps were found wandering in a disoriented state as far afield as Bloxwich.
But first, some general tips on dossing in Walsall:
Free public transport is easy to come by - simply feign mental instability (obviously this will not always be necessary for those tramps who really are mentally unstable). The trick is not to frighten anyone, merely to act in a sufficiently unpredictable way so that the bus driver/ticket inspector quickly realises it is much more than his job's worth to attempt to communicate with you. Some tips include claiming not to comprehend the concept of money, frothing slightly at the mouth, banging your head repeatedly against a window and repeatedly claiming to be best mates with an unspecified bus driver who will be along soon and give you a free ride anyway.
Free entertainment is put on in the town centre on most weekend evenings. The majority is provided by the student population of the town and their inability to oversee the coexistence of five pints of lager and a donner kebab in the same part of their digestive tract.
Open air late night boxing is also popular on Friday and Saturday nights, with bouts being arranged at very short notice, usually round about chucking-out time. Drunkard -vs- Drunkard bouts are the most popular, with a variety of drunken-master style techniques on show. If you are lucky you might also catch a Drunkard -vs- Bouncer fight (often one-sided affairs that can be over very quickly) or a mixed-sex Drunkard -vs- Drunkard's girlfriend bout (in which only the girlfriend is allowed to attack, the Drunkard having to rely on a series of defensive moves and reasoning, hoping that his adversary will eventually collapse in a sobbing heap on the pavement).
"civic governance"
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... shit. I used worked for Walsall Council on several occasions BUT I was only a temp doing VDU work. Does this mean I'm excused because it was a suitably proletariat job?
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