On SATS.

I've just watched Question Time and heard one young, spotty woman in the audience tell the world how she took her Key Stage 2 SATS (??? Is that right?) test years ago at the age of 11 and found it crippling.

Tough titty fish face, is what I say.

It took me back to when I was alive and we had what was known as the 11-Plus. If you passed it you got the chance to go to grammar school and apparently make something of yourself and rise above the herd.

I took the 11-Plus and passed, as it happens. Trouble was, I never went on to grammar school. I've no idea why. I think it was my dismount.

As to stress and crippling worry during the exam? All I can remember is that it was summer and outside there was the sound of sports pitches being mown, birds singing and people having fun. Inside the examination room, I was sitting next to Sian Fellows, my first ever girlfriend, and I spent more time than I should have done trying to look up her skirt as it rode up her thighs as she fidgeted in her seat.

Sian went on to become a shipping lawyer earning obscene amounts of money - and I'm stuck here with three dogs and the body of a 90-year-old man. Ah, happy days!!!