Lust!

"Drop you panties Sir Roger, I can't wait until lunchtime!"



I watched Essex Boys the other night.

For those who haven't seen it, it's a violent British gangster flick based around the murders of vicious drug barons Pat Tate, Tony Tucker and Craig Rolfe who died in a hail of point-blank shotgun blasts as they sat in a Range Rover in an isolated farm track near the village of Rettendon, Essex, in December 1995.

The star of the film is the improbably cast Sean Bean (pronounced Scene Been). Mr "I'm Sheffield United 'Til I Die" stands about 5ft 10ins tall, weighs around 12 stones and when away from film sets talks like an extra from Emmerdale. He was, therefore, an obvious first choice to play the psychotic Mr "Do-What?-As-It-'Appens-Apples-'n'-Pears-You're-'Avin-A-Giraffe" Tate who was 6ft 8ins tall (seriously!) and tipped the scales at about 20 stones.

Any road up - or is it farmtrack down? - I am a big fan of British gangster films and so found Essex Boys an enjoyable romp down the picturesque back roads of mindless violence, drugs, psychosis and estuarine bad taste (even though it did skirt somewhat clumsily around the nightclub death of 18-year-old Leah Betts after she took some dodgy ecstasy which had passed through the hands of our eponymous anti-heroes).

Where is all this leading, I hear someone cry in Ward 4? Well, the film made me realise that I am in lust. Not with "the other" Mr Bean, you understand, but with one of his co-stars - Alex Kingston.
Now this is where I have to apologise to women readers because what I'm about to put down in words might just come over as ever-so-slightly crude, chauvinistic and possibly juvenile. Then again, it might just prove to be worthwhile by giving a tiny insight into how men's brains work (they do work, honest!)

Why am I in sweaty, pumping, naughty, ride-me-into-the-sunset-Lavinia lust with Ms Kingston? Well, it's because she falls into the rarest yet most lusted after category of women on earth, AS DEFINED PURELY BY PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS ALONE (so don't bother writing in to complain, whatever your sex!).
For those of a XX chromosome persuasion, let me outline the principal categories of women as agreed by the International Brotherhood Of Humans With Dangly Bits at the dawn of time (feel free to correct me chaps if I get any of this wrong).

As my memory is not what it used to be and by way of providing an occasional reference for SOME of the examples given, I have used the following site - The 100 Most Beautiful Faces In The World.
In no particular order, for all have their plus points and pitfalls, there are:

1. BEAUTIFUL women (eg. Elizabeth Taylor in her youth, Grace Kelly before she got mangled, Jean Simmons in her youth, Heather Graham, Charlize Theron, Julianne Moore etc). These women appear statuesque and, in the eyes of men, unapproachable. They have classic features and invariably slim lines. Very much like a great painting, they inspire awe but can only ever be looked at, not engaged with.

2. PRETTY women (eg. Julia Roberts - mad though she may be (Oops, sorry, I DID say physical appearance only) - Marion Cotillard, Jessica Alba, Krista Allen, Kylie Minogue etc). These women appear to be girly-girlies, fluffy, sweet, cute and words like that. They could be girlfriends/partners and would be giggly and fun but one suspects would have bedrooms packed from floor to ceiling with fluffy Teddy bears and Snoopy dolls.

3. GOOD LOOKING women (eg. Gerry Hall, Lauren Bacall, Kirsty Young, Hilary Clinton (yes, I know!), Kirsty Walk, Benazir Bhutto - before she was shot! - Jean Simmons these days, Dolly Parton, Juliette Binoche etc). These women are, WITHOUT FAIL, over at least 35 and are what society disparagingly refers to as "mature". They appear very strong, not in a weight-lifting sense and not in a shouting-and-carping-and-interrupting-everyone-because-they're-always-right-radical-feminist-lesbian kind of way. Their strength invariably comes across in a calm, worldlywise and intelligent demeanour. These women are as rare as rocking horse shit but I, for one, am a big, big fan.

4. "TOMBOYISH" women (eg. Dawn French, Charlie Dimmock, Gabby Yorath - borderline "pretty" - Nell McAndrew - borderline "good looking" - Kim Wilde - borderline beautiful - etc). These women spell "fun" and have the added advantage that they are ostensibly men with tits. The drawbacks are that they may leave socks lying around which smell worse than your own and when you get home each evening you have to race them to the booze fridge.

5. ATTRACTIVE women. Ah! Now we have come to the most indefinable category of all. They are purely a matter of personal taste and they can also fall into any one of the other categories listed here but there is just SOMETHING about them which you find irresistible and mesmerising. They are the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of women. Me, I particularly like Class Two Occlusions (ever so, ever so slightly goofy teeth) and jet black hair but that doesn't preclude other women. These are THE women for long term relationships/love. (eg. In my book; Mrs Pither - obviously - Judy Lowe, Rachel Weisz, Nigella Lawson, Dolly Parton - I know, but she IS indefinable - Alex Kingston, Kristin Scott Thomas and so on and so on.)

6. SEXY women. (eg. Sophia Loren, Joanna Lumley, Heidi Klum, Bridget Moynahan etc). These women ooze sexuality, usually with looks described popularly as "smouldering" and "sultry". Nights with these ladies would involve soft music, satin sheets, champagne, slowness and gentleness. Ultimately, these women have a certain class - unlike........

7. "TARTY" women. (eg. Jordan, Jodie Marsh, anything falling out of China Whites on the arm of a footballer). These "women" have so little going for them that they have to wear as little as humanly possible in a desperate attempt to draw the eye to them. Despite the image they try to portray, they are invariably about as much use in bed as a lawnmower. Nights with these "ladies" would involve penicillin and a do-it-yourself job in the bathroom!

8. OTHER women. Basically, these are the women who do not fit into any of the other categories when judged purely physically. They do, however, fall into one such category when judged on their personality which is only discovered by talking to them. Sadly, men, whose primary stimulus is the visual, often don't bother to find out what their personality is like and so invariably miss out on the best chance of happiness they will ever have!

And finally, we come to the category into which Alex Kingston fits (remember her? At the beginning of this marathon Blog?). Ms Kingston is one of the world's...................
9. FILTHY women!!! Dear God, these women are fantastic but are also rare. They combine "sexy" and "attractive" with a sort of more covert wordlywise, moral casualness. These women, you just know, could kill you - but what a way to go! These women are also always "mature" and know EXACTLY what to do! I have, for some years, had my own subdivision of this category - the Treble Fs (Fit, Filthy and Forty/Fifty-Something). Unlike "Tarty" women, they do no put everything on a plate - rather, by

a smouldering look, they let you know that a silver platter is just beneath the low-cut, high-heeled surface and it is piled high with things you haven't even tasted before but wouldn't mind nibbling! A night with one of these women would involve a rubber badger costume, baby oil, various chocolate sauces, handcuffs, a bath, a shower, a set of parallel bars, things powered by batteries, the modified outfits of various female public servants, time spent pretending to be a headmaster, very little time spent looking at her face, more sexual positions than there are are spermatozoa in an elephant's testicles and a trip to casualty!

Phew! There, I think that's it. Of course, there are some men (Heaven forfend that I should be one of them) who believe that, physically, there are only two categories of women:

WOMEN WITH BIG TITS AND WOMEN WITHOUT!

Ok, ok, ok, it's been coming for a while - I'll send myself to Grantham!