Mr Ridiculous on the Virgin

Having just watched "The Cult of the Suicide Bomber" on the Devil's Lantern this evening I have at least learnt one thing.............suicide bombing is not for Pither.
The big selling point of blowing yourself up for Allah is, apparently, that you get to go to heaven with 17 virgins. Well, as one who is used to looking at the small print in contracts, I have noticed that no-one actually specifies what sex these virgins are going to be. I mean, speaking as a bloke, you're going to end up looking pretty silly if, when the smoke finally clears, you find yourself on a cloud somewhere surrounded by a bunch of pre-pubescent spotty Herberts, Ruperts and Nigels who just keep on asking "what's it like?"
Even if these virgins turn out to be members of the opposite sex, who in their right mind would want that? Picture the scene. You're up "There", you're feeling a bit frisky and so you put down your harp, slip into the rubber badger's costume and then turn to young Jacasta or whatever her name is only to discover that she's crying, shouting "pervert!" and on the phone to her mother assuring her that she's "saving it for Mr Right".
I've never got the lure of the virgin thing. I remember when I popped my cherry I was also deflowering my girlfriend - and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was messy, slightly painful and all a bit embarrassing, really.
Now, if Allah said to me: "Pither, if you disassemble yourself with explosives for the cause you will go on a bloody long holiday with 17 ropey, huge-breasted old broilers who've been round the block a few times and could trip you up and be underneath you before you hit the ground" then he might have a deal. Give me experience and a slightly casual moral attitude every time.
Anyway, I think the discussion is hypothetical anyway. I mean, if Allah can find one virgin round here, let alone 17 of the beggars, he is a better man than me, Gunga Din - and that's not sexist, rascist or hymenist, before the letters start coming in.
Nah, suicide bombing can go to Grantham.