Grantham Newsflash!

The Government was today breathing a collective sigh of relief after the surprise appointment of Sir Reg Pither who single handedly brought the Sir Fred Goodwin affair to an end.

Gordon Brown had been coming under increasing pressure as he continued to dither, fart about and generally shy away from facing the problem posed by Sir Fred who ran up debts of £86 krillion at the Royal Bank of Scotland by buying up loans to fairies at the bottom of his garden and then knobbing off into retirement at the age of 50 with a pension pot of £650,000-a-year - almost all paid for by the taxpayer.

Sir Reg ended the sorry affair once and for all today by taking a slightly firmer line during a 13 second meeting with the former bank boss.
Grantham News has obtained a leaked transcript of that meeting this morning and it is as follows:

Sir Fred: "You wanted to see me? Your letter said something about me being an 'abject twat' and it mentioned something to the effect 'not as long as there's a hole in my arse'."
Sir Reg: "Yes. I've got a chihuahua called Frank who has got more fiscal acumen than you! You ain't having a £650,000 pension. In fact, you ain't even getting a state fucking pension until you pay back all the money you've pissed up the wall. Now fuck off, you greedy, incompetent wanker!"
Sir Fred: "That's breach of contract! I'll sue!"
Sir Reg: "Then I'll get MI5 to kill you."
Sir Fred: "Ok, fair enough."
Sir Reg: "Close the door behind you."

This afternoon Sir Reg was reported to be in the Gaza Strip for talks with Hamas leaders and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert having taken with him only half a dozen sets of genital clamps.