Home From Home

Our MPs - their dedication, honesty and tireless work for the country is already well documented, but I ask you to spare a special thought for the massive sacrifices made by our Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith.

Imagine what she has given up to serve the nation. Before Mrs Smith became an MP, their she and her family were, living quite happily in the back bedroom of Mrs Smith's sister's house in Nunhead, south east London. Mrs Smith had the bottom bunk, Mr Smith took the top. Their four children - Vlad, Lucretia, Adolph and Saddam - each had their own draw in the chest in the corner in which to snuggle down at night while Mrs Smith's mother slept standing up in the wardrobe - she had a back condition and lying down proved painful so the orthopaedic wardrobe was a Godsend.

The family's four golden retrievers had the run of the 6ft by 8ft room so they were happy and Lucretia's pet pony, Hermann, was stabled on top of the dressing table and had a vase of tasty daffodils to munch on during the day.

Then Mrs Smith was catapulted into the House of Commons and, owing to an outbreak of bubonic plague among New Labour's ranks, she was appointed Home Secretary. The family's home in London was obviously no longer convenient for her getting to and from work. She was forced to seek a second home closer to Parliament where she could lay her head during the week before returning at weekends to the bosom of her family. All the taxpayers would give her to get this second home was a measly £116,000 and so, having studied her Acme school map of Britain and tightened her belt for all our sakes, she plumped for a £400,000, nine-bedroom, six-bathroom, detached home with a billiard room, function suite, gatehouse and lodge set in 200 acres of land 150 miles from London - in Redditch, Worcestershire. Such was the pokiness of this squalid pied de terre that it was bursting at the seams with her meagre collection of worldly goods. There was so little space that her cellar of champagne had to go in the centrally heated stable block, there was just one outdoor swimming pool for her bathing costume and her collection of tropical plants had to go in the indoor poolroom and jacuzzi with effect-waterfall and hydro pool.

What happened then? Not content with Mrs Smith having put herself out to this massive extent just so she could serve us all, the scum, gutter press had a go at her, claiming that her house in Redditch might actually be her first home while her sister's boxroom was in fact her second home, and not the other way around as she obviously said to get the extra accommodation allowance. In addition, the hacks also had the nerve to make the ludicrous allegation that not only was the London base her second home, £116,000 was rather steep rent for a one-room residence during weekdays.

There is a real danger here that if we continue to snipe at and criticise over things like this we will lose leaders of the dedication and calibre of Mrs Smith and they will go elsewhere to serve - you know, like we almost lost to America those genius bankers and financiers who spent billions of pounds of our money buying up loans to vagrants before they all had to be written off.

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Back in the real world, bear in mind this is not some grubby little backbencher we are talking about. This is the FUCKING HOME SECRETARY - the third most important and lofty office in the land behind the PM and Chancellor. If she's pulling this stunt, just think what the other fuckers are doing, given the fact that their chances of discovery are so much less likely as they are not in the limelight. As my pal BGT pointed out - THIS IS JUST TAKING THE FUCKING PISS!!!!!

And what is Mrs Smith's defence? I'll tell you what her fucking defence is. It's the same defence offered up by all these fuckers when they're caught out. It's the same defence used by those bankers and financiers mentioned earlier who creamed off millions to line their own pockets as a reward for bringing about the near collapse of the financial system - "it's in the rules"!

Listen, pal-o-mine, hanging in public used to be "in the rules". So did bear-bating, witch-ducking and the burning of Catholics. Hitler dictated that the annihilation of six million Jews was "in the rules". IT'S THE FUCKING RULES WHICH ARE WRONG - AND WHO MAKES THE RULES? THE FUCKING MPs!!!!!

Until we reintroduce public floggings - only for MPs - there will never be any progress. Up the revolution!!