Goldilocks and the Moslem Fundamentalist Bear.

Fanatical Christian, Moslem, Jew........take your pic and insert where appropriate.


It's story time and nothing quite beats a good fairytale so here are two for you.

The first goes like this.

The next story is as follows. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Goldilocks was lost. She was cold, tired, hungry and alone in the forbidding forest and, as dusk fell, thoughts of the ravenous wolves and evil goblins which make the night their own began to creep into her mind.

Just as she despaired of ever reaching safety, Goldilocks spied through the darkness a light from a little cottage in a clearing and her spirits soared.
She ran to the door just as fast as her feet would carry her and, finding it unlocked, she gingerly let herself inside to be greeted by an enchanting scene. The cottage was filled with soft, flickering shades of orange and yellow from a roaring fire in the hearth, three bowls of delicious porridge were set out on a table, there were three comfy chairs by the fireside and at the far end of the room were three beds, each with a thick, soft eiderdown and big, fluffy pillows. All was warm and cosy.

Goldilocks was so hungry from her long journey through the forest that she made straight for the bowls of porridge and, sampling each one in turn, settled on the middle one and lapped it all up as it was neither too hot nor too cold.
Next she tried out the chairs and, finding two of them too big, settled down into the smallest one to contemplate her adventure. Goldilocks thought of what danger she had been in but how safe she was in the cottage and soon she began to grow sleepy so headed off for bed. The first bed was too hard, the second was too soft but the third was just right and so she soon fell fast asleep.

While Goldilocks slept, the three bears who owned the little cottage came home and immediately knew that someone had paid them a visit while they were out.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" squealed Baby Bear.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" asked Mummy Bear.
"Which infidel has dared to fend off starvation by stealing the bounty provided for me by The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him?" roared Mohammed, the Moslem fundamentalist bear. "Their hands shall be severed from the wrist as is written in the holy book and in the name of The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, I shall issue a fatwa against all of their kind!!"
The bears then spied the chairs by the fireside and Baby Bear straight away yelped: "Who's been sitting in my chair?" Mummy Bear was equally puzzled and enquired: "Who's been sitting in my chair?" Mohammed was a tad more alarmed by the discovery.
"Which spawn of the Devil has dared to take refuge against the night and place their non-Islamic seat of worship on the chair cushion which The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, has blessed only for Islam? They shall be taken into the clearing and lashed before the creatures of the forest until their infidel blood runs like a river through this land!!!!"
No sooner had Mohammed ceased foaming at the mouth, slapping his head and chest with his hands and putting a match to a Stars and Stripes he always carried with him for just such an occasion than the other bears spotted Goldilocks sound asleep.
"Who's been sleeping in my bed?" chirruped Baby Bear.
"Who's been sleeping in my bed?" asked Mummy Bear.
"Which whore of Babylon dares to take respite from exhaustion and defile a bed which Allah himself has given only unto Islam? Which filthy harlot flouts the holy scripture and lies where a man other than her owner lies? Which chattel dares to bare her face and ankles anywhere but inside the home of the follower who lays claim to her? She shall be taken into the clearing and stoned to death!!! The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, demands it!!!!!"
The rabid screaming accompanied by a shower of spit from Mohammed awoke young Goldilocks who was somewhat bemused as to what all the fuss was about.
"Sorry I didn't ask," she said, "but the door was unlocked and I was starving, exhausted and cold. I didn't think you or your prophet or your God would mind, them being caring, loving and good 'n' all?"
"She's got a point, Mo," said Mummy and Baby Bear. "Islam, like other faiths, is based around the underlying principle of loving thy neighbour. Go girl!"
These voices of sanity however failed to pacify Mohammed who was always up for a fight and could start one in a phone box so long as it was in the name of Allah whom he saw as the justification for murder, mutilation, torture and all the other things you're not allowed to do unless you're religious.
"The bitch disrespects and defiles the holy name of The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him!!!" he bellowed. "She is a blasphemer whom the scriptures declare must die a thousand deaths!!!! Her evil is tantamount to naming a Teddy Bear 'Mohammed'!!!!"
"Stroll on, Mo. Calm down lad," said Mummy Bear. "I've got the Koran here and I can't see anything about all that in it - well, not anything that's meant to be taken literally."
"Yeah," piped up Goldilocks. "Anyway, you're called Mohammed, aren't you? That's blasphemy in your version of the Good Book. Why don't you go out and stone yourself to death? Also, you had better kill everyone else in the world named Mohammed, although I doubt there are many of them. I mean, it's not like it's a popular name, is it?"
"Blasphemer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"And while you're about it, you might as well lash your mum and dad to death along with the parents of the other Mohammeds because they were the ones who decided on the name. They could have plumped for Frank or Harry or Lionel but they chose Mohammed."
"Spawn of Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Worse than that, you're a bear, right? Well, according to your version of Islam that is a big insult because bears are ferocious, savage beasts. You know, as opposed to 'Teddy' bears which are soft, fluffy, cuddly, lovable, non-living creatures whose sole aim in life is to make children happy. You see, they are called 'Teddy Bears' and not just 'bears' so that people with more than 0.0078 per cent of the average human brain can distinguish them from wild animals and so avoid being eaten alive in bed."
"Fuck off!!"
"Charming."
"He's not here as well, is he?"

I don't know which story you prefer but, to my mind, they are both about as believable as each other. Sadly, I have to report that the first one is not in fact a fairytale at all...............it is TRUE!
As a result, I have a message for the uneducated, illiterate, violent, stupid masses in the pathetic, backward, filthy shithole which is Sudan. It is the same message which today goes out from Pither to George Bush and his ultra-right-wing Christian backers, to the Zionist fanatics in Palestine and to religious fundamentalists of every race and colour.............GO FUCK YOURSELVES (WITH "YOUR" GOD'S DICK!!!).

Go on then, issue a fatwa against me, you ignorant fucking wankers! You'll look pretty silly trying to pick your teeth up with a broken arm.
Religious fanatics and fundamentalists - I shit 'em. They can fuck off to Grantham.

P.S. Once again, many thanks for your kind words and your enquiries about my Padfoot. He is recovering well from his op, eating properly again and looking a bit brighter. We get the biopsy results on/around Wednesday and he could be in for another op after that. It is all touch and go - but he's still alive, he's still with me, he's happy, he's comfy, he's warm and he's well fed. One day at a time. X