Today's lesson is taken from the Gospel according to Nicky Campbell, BBC 1, The Big Question, 10am.
And verily, the smug, self-important, if-it's-going-to-be-on-telly-pick-me-pick-me Scotsman did say unto his studio audience: "Is the Church of England a failing business? It's got top heavy management and attendances are down all round. Is it time for the Church to be more proactive to get bums on seats?"
Bums on seats? I failed to see how putting chairs outside Sainsbury's on Saturday afternoons for the Tenants Extra-swilling gentleman who normally gathered there would help "the one true faith" but I think I got Nasty Nicky's point...............and what a brilliant idea!!
Yeah, let's get Saatchi and Saatchi in and let's push that mother! Let's make the Church sexy! Those loonies standing around town centres on orange boxes, Bible in hand, shouting at passers-by that Jesus died for THEM just ain't reaching the core demographic! We gotta brand this baby, conga with the congregations and sell, sell, sell!! It's time for a marketing meeting! "Fiona, Rupert, Darren, Craig - call the bishop!"
Rupert: "So, Bish, give me the this God stuff in a nutshell. What's our product?"
Bishop: "Uuurrmmm......."
Craig: "Ok, ok. Let's buy a platform ticket before we catch the rocket express to Big Time Central. Give me a focus for the campaign."
Bishop: "Well, there's Jesus, I suppose."
Rupert: "Now we're cooking! Fiona, get this Jesus dude on the horn. I want a photoshoot tomorrow. See if Janet Jackson's free...and we'll need a couple of Harley Davidsons."
Bishop: "Jesus is dead, I'm afraid. He died to save us all."
Fiona: "Bumsville Arizona!!"
Darren: "Wait just a doggone minute. It's coming to me. Let me run this up the flagpole and see who salutes? How about 'Jesus - he's dead good!'?"
Fiona: "Like it, like it, like it! Dazza, you're the man! Now, Bish, give me more about this J cat."
Bishop: "Well, he was a carpenter and he died on The Cross."
Darren: "Great! Now we gotta theme!! Wood!!"
Craig: "Yeah! 'Get God - Get Wood! We could have a cross as our logo!"
Rupert: "The British National Party has already got that one."
Fiona: "Who cares? We've got a heady brew here. Who else we got in the mix?"
Bishop: "Jesus had 12 disciples - followers."
Craig: "Too many. They'll never make a wide shot on Top of the Pops. We need to downsize."
Bishop: "But......"
Rupert: "Craigy, get Simon Cowell's people to talk to our people. We'll run four series of False Idol and get a band together - Jesus and the Jesuits? All Saints? Let's rock!"
Fiona: "Anything else, Bish?"
Bishop: "Well, Jesus performed miracles. For instance, he turned water into wine."
Darren: "It just gets better! 'Holy Water - It's a Fucking Miracle!' We could undercut Evian!"
And so it goes on. How, exactly, does one "sell" faith? Mr Campbell's ridiculous proposition at the beginning of this post is just a symptom of the times. Viewing figures for religion? If ever we needed saving by the Son of God, it's now!
Nothing can just be. It has to make a profit. It has to be marketed and sold. The mantra has become so ingrained over the last 30 years that people take it for granted and never stop to think what they are saying or doing (Campbell being a classic case in point).
Christ (pardon the irony), if society says electricity, gas and even Wales can be "sold" then of course they're going to try to flog religion.
Heck, the Moslem fundamentalists are making a pretty good job of selling Islam to inner city kids (the offer of free virgins for eternity IS a winner, you've got to admit) and Bush and his ultra-Conservative Christian fanatics have done pretty well flogging the concept of "terror" and "the evil empires" to the West.
What to send to Grantham? Well, I sent myself there yesterday - which reminds me, Jim Davidson, Thatcher, Jeremy Clarkson and I are going to a themed, Harvester pub this lunchtime to have a Brake Bros, pre-packed meal next to the children's ballpond play area and then we're going to a New Labour meeting before spending the evening watching Pop Idol re-runs!
Where was I? Oh, yes, Grantham. I think the idea that EVERYTHING is a business and so EVERYTHING is marketable has to go - don't you?
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9 comments:
Amen brothah, amen and can I get an AMEN!
Hay-men! The whole dialogue cracked me up. Reg, you should write for a commedy show. And then I think you & Malc need to take your show on the road and call it the Pithy Life.
lovins,
fiwa
Don't get me started on that bastard Campbell - really, don't.
And I'd have bought Wales if I known it was for sale. I'm always the last to know.
Hm. That felt very much like a dear john letter.
All I can say is:
http://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=Cvx5j216wOI
Not much of a statement, but I'm feeling lazy today.
Gawd I've missed you recently pithers.
I read somewhere once that the business about the forty virgins may have been a mistranslation, and that what was meant was 'white raisins'. You know, promised as a major delicacy at the feast. (No quarrel about the feast bit, apparently.) Imagine all those martyrs suing under the Trades Descriptions Act.
Excellent as always Reg, how is the new job going?
I'm only going on the road if the pigs get their own trailer.
Hal-EEE-LOOO-ya! Praise the Lorrrd!
And the poor man, Pither, went forth from his hovel and did extoll the virtues of his own marketing manager, yea, verily!And in the City did they praise him and sing unto his purse.
Could be something in this, y'know...
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