Jewellery Foolery

Swill before swine? (and there are two fucking "l"s in jewellery!!)



I've just discovered the genius which is..............Diamonique!!!
Oh my dear God!! The years I've wasted! How could I have been such a fool? When will I ever learn? Is there yet time to asbsorb that on which I have missed out?

So, there I was, lying in bed last night, tossing and turning - well, turning at any rate - when I realised I had hit the "admit it dumbass, you ain't never gunna get to sleep" wall and so I waddled downstairs in the pitch dark to make a cup of tea.
Brew in hand, I groped my way through into the lounge (sorry Doris, sitting room) and plonked myself down to watch a bit of mindless Devil's Lantern in the hope of lulling myself back off to sleep.

In the inky blackness, I reached out and seized one of the 28 remote controls by the side of the armchair, only to find that my chosen zapper switched on the stereophonic gramophone device in the corner. The next one sparked the System 2000 videorama box into life, the third opened the CD drawer while pressing the fourth one appeared to make the dogs snarl at me! It was beginning to resemble a scene from Chaplin's Modern Times and I was seriously concerned that one more blind guess would lead to Mrs Pither being awoken upstairs by her nightie mysteriously sliding up and down so I took the plunge and switched on the lights..............Oouch!!!

Squinting madly like a mole in a solarium, I found the remote upon which Mrs P had helpfully scrawled the letters "TV" in marker pen and finally managed to turn on the box...................and there it was!!!!! The Diamonique Sale!

What a find!!! This belter of a show is a feature of the shopping channel QVC which I believe exclusively markets Diamonique. What is Diamonique, exactly. Well, in brief, it's a synthetic substance which resembles the stuff found on the pavement after someone has lobbed a brick through the window of a shop in a smash and grab raid.
How did someone come up with the idea of marketing smashed glass, you might ask? Well, it appears that someone at QVC realised the following facts:
F1. People like diamonds.
F2. Diamonds are very sparkly.
F3. Diamonds are very, very expensive.
F4. Smashed glass found on pavements after smash and grab raids is a little bit sparkly.
F5. Smashed glass found on pavements after smash and grab raids is not in the least bit expensive.

So far so good, eh? The trouble is, QVC then took things a step further. They took the five facts above and came up with the following conclusions:
C1. If people like diamonds they must like them because they are sparkly.
C2. People can't normally afford diamonds.
C3. People can afford smashed glass found on pavements after smash and grab raids.
C4. People will buy smashed glass found on pavements after smash and grab raids instead of diamonds.

Now comes the really scary bit...........it appears that QVC was right!!! The very fact that this crap is being shovelled out on the channel indicates that someone, somewhere, is buying it!!
The way I see it is, why on earth would someone want to buy an imitation which looks as much like diamond as does a dog turd? Do the desperados who snap up this shite seriously think that when they swan around, flashing their Diamonique at anyone within eyeline people aren't thinking "poor cow - she's wearing smashed glass found on pavements after smash and grab raids and wants us to think they're diamonds".

Diamonds are special because they're beautiful - intrinsically beautiful - they are very rare and they are miracles of nature. There are two kinds of things in this world - things which are diamonds and things which are not! Why buy one thing and pretend it is something else? Well, the answer to that lies in the sort of people who buy this tat.
Diamonique buyers are doubtless the same people who buy designer labels or who have their tits lifted or who spend their lives clothes shopping or who think shoes are really "cool" and what is actually happening in the world is "really gash and boring". It's all about impressing people, as they see it. They have nothing to offer and so they try to buy themselves some sort of value to society (a Thatcherite inspired piece of thinking). Instead of living their lives so as to become what they want to or can be, they buy some materialist crap in the vain belief that it will hoodwink everyone else and make them appear to be something they are not.

I've gone off the point a bit now. I had meant to bang on about the banality of a show which consists of some moron holding up bits of broken glass for hours and fucking hours of tubetime but I've gone and got myself all steamed up over the futility of modern society - not a bad leap off the tracks for the train of thought, even by my standards.

Anyway, back to the real point - if there ever was one. Diamonique can go to Grantham.