I have gone back to school and I am in the naughty corner already!
Last Monday marked the start of a new, temporary contract for me and, once again, I am in "public service". I'm working for a Government agency allied to the National Health Service but, after just seven days before the mast, that is all I understand about what the fuck goes on there!
The offices are on the top floor of a nine-story tower block which, being quasi-Government property, is controlled by a small army of security staff (trust me, this is relevant). As a result, I had to have a full retina scan and bowel scrape in order to get a security pass, something I find difficult to comprehend as the only people who would like to blow up the building are the ones who work there!
Anyway, it turns out that the men from security have a second duty. Not only do they have to make it as difficult as possible for you to get into work, they also have to make it as difficult as possible for you to stay there. "Prithee, what is the evidence for this that you say, Pither?" I'll explain.
On Wednesday I found myself alone in the office at 6.50pm when a security drone came up and stood behind me.
"You leaving?" it seemingly enquired.
"Ha haa, no! Just got a report to finish so looks like it's going to be a late one for me. Never mind, pays the bills, eh?"
"No, you leaving!"
"Excuse me?"
"You leaving!!"
"There appears to be some kind of breakdown in communications here. I'm not leaving because I've got some more work I want to do."
"No, no. You leaving! You must have leave!! Building locked 7pm. You go home....now!!!! Home good! Stay bad!"
Turns out, no matter what is going on, what needs to be done, how conscientious you are or who else might want to avail themselves of your services in the evening, you gotta quit the building by 7 every night at the very latest!!
Okey-dokey-pig-in-a-pokey, I thought. I'm self-employed, I get paid a flat, daily rate for the life of the contract, with no overtime, so I'll start watching the clock and going home the moment my hours are up! Sod professionalism!! This is the Government after all. There might be an outbreak of Jenkinson's Purple Flange Disease at 5.01pm but, hey, I'm outta there! It's home time!!
The realisation that I was back at school, however, truly hit home on Friday when, at around 4.20pm, there was a slight flurry of snow outside and a colleague's phone rang.
"Yeah. Yup. Yup. Great! Ok, complying," she said, before hastily slamming the phone down. "Right, I'm going. The snow is going to snarl up the roads and the trains. I'm getting off early. See ya!"
"Oh, bye," I said, somewhat startled. "I don't blame you, mind. It looks miserable out there. Best get off now to avoid the traffic. I'm hoping to get away in about half an hour myself."
Just then, EVERY FUCKING BODY ELSE in the office filed past me, wishing me goodbye and heading for the exit.
"Is there a bomb alert?" I asked.
"No, mate. Snow alert. We've had notification through from security that we're in an official snow alert and so have got to go home straight away to avoid anyone getting stranded by the weather."
I KID YOU NOT! FUCKING SNOW ALERT!! I counted about 27 flakes coming down outside the window!!! Where the fuck were we? Siberia? I remember we sometimes used to get sent home from school early for similar reasons when there was a particularly heavy snow storm but I distinctly recall having finished school 30 years ago - I had to hand my cap and my satchel in at the gate! What the fuck was going on?
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no Johnny Goodygoody. I don't work long hours to impress anyone. I don't do "creeping to the boss" - a string of disciplinary proceedings at former places of work testify to that. I work to do what has to be done and then some. It makes me feel good and helps me sleep at nights. Being "sent home" because it is snowing or it's late, therefore, just staggers me. Wanna know why the fucking country is falling to pieces? I think I'm beginning to find out.
Hurrumph!! Bureaucracy and juvenile working practices can go to Grantham.
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13 comments:
You need to go on a course, told you about security at GCHQ. We have moved along with all other hairdressers (see hitchhikers guide) we have been told to stay away for a week, while the drones unpack.
ATTENTION ALL OCCUPANTS OF THE BUILDING THIS IS SECURTIY HERE.
I only get paid 3p an hour for guarding the endless stream of civil servants and those wankers on the sixth floor (got ride of them sharpish) at GCHQ so I am sorry I made you leave your executive office at 6.53, I have bins to go rummage thru.
A Itler
SS (retired)
I liked the pre emptive snow alert that saw Shropshire announce that schools would be closed the day before the alleged snow. Now that would be okay if you were relying on the best and most reliable info. But its based on a weather forecast for gods sake. They may as well toss a coin to decide what its going to do.
I'd quite like some snow, mind you I'd quite like a job; maybe I should just be happy with my lot, eh
this really made me laugh I've had friends who have worked for "the government" and this really is how it functions
mind you, if it was a big city blue chip like the one I worked for years ago, almost everyone would have been in the pub from half eleven in the morning on a Friday. . . and I'd have had to have run down and told them all about the "snow alert"
;-)
gah why didn't that ever happen at MY school? I had the hardiest bus company in the world. Whenever there was a hurricane, it would STILL bloody turn up, even if it very nearly falls over every time it rounds a corner. None of the other school bus companies could be arsed to deal with snow. Why mine? The number of times there were about fifty of us in the entire school just because it doesn't snow where I live, but buckets of the stuff falls down all over the rest of Devon. Pish and tish.
On Friday, Orkney Council closed all the schools, sent all its staff home, all the buses and ferries were cancelled ready for the snow.
It snowed on Saturday!
At least you don't get Arthur coming round badgering you to 'turn your telly off' and then refusing to let you out of the car park any more.
they might as well shouted " Asda have reducations in aisle 10"
any excuse!
Take your work home with you....that will solve your boredom issues from before. Ha!
I recall being "marooned" at the tube station where underground became overground. Barons Court, was it? Apparently, the ickle twain couldn't "do" snowy tracks so passengers waited in the mini-blizzard for London Transport buses to take us to the next stop.Bus trumps train? Huh?
No one was ever sent home early though!
Bigger pussies than here! I'd never known that was possible!!!!!
i would have KILLED to have them pre-emptively shut down school every time it snowed. but go we did...and sat....and sat...and froze...and stamped....because none of the teachers decided to show up....or the janitors....who had the keys to the front door....
i say cash the checks and smile.
I can so relate, Seattle shuts down at the first sign of a flake. And then the dammed fools all pile on the road at the same time and wonder why there's so much traffic. They're all sheep I say.
Fucking lazy jobsworth bureaucrat sponging gold plated pension scheme public sector tossers.
It's a enough to make one vote Conservative. Then one hears of Tory MP's expenses claims and reconsiders.
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