In Which Pither Prepares For Yet Another Slingshot or Arrow To Land.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. How remiss of me. Looks like I’m going to be made redundant again!

The Carrot and Cow Herder announced major cutbacks yesterday which, we were assured, will spread right across the board. The C&CH is one of two evening papers in the group and the directors on each will have to downsize their cars from Bentleys to Mercedes. Their expense accounts will be limited to £5,000-a-week each, their golf leave is to be reduced to 34 weeks per year and they will, in future, only be allowed to lean out of the windows of the board room on the fourth floor and urinate on the workers below twice a week.

When this news was broken to us work drones I wondered how it was going to achieve the necessary savings we were told had to be made. The announcer, after droning on and on about “guaranteed journalistic integrity”, “leaner and tighter operations”, “efficiency for the 21st Century” and “belt tightening all round”, let slip right at the end the area where the money would be found……………………………….”Oh, and there will have to be 126 redundancies,” he said.

Yes, we are, indeed, all in it together – although some of us are in it more than others.

Having only been with the company for around six months I am not entitled to redundancy. I am, however, one of the most experienced hacks and so am paid more than most. Put those two facts together and what do you think the bean counters are going to conclude when they look at the payroll? If it’s not “Hmmm, if he goes we cut a decent wedge off the wage bill and don’t have to pay anything out in compensation” then I’ll eat my cat.

Is this all down to the credit crunch, I don’t hear anyone ask? No, is the simple answer. It’s down to the simple fact that people don’t read papers anymore. “Why is that, Reg?” the non-present questioners don’t persist. Well, there are basically four reasons:

1. Thanks to Blair’s dogged pursuit of “ejukashin, edgycageon, et tu Casian?", 90 per cent of the UK population can’t read.

2. The invention of cat litter.

3. A dramatic fall in the sale of budgies.

4. The widespread use of purpose-manufactured toilet paper.

Ho hum. That’s life. You win a few, you lose a couple of million. Still, life goes on and the sun will still come up tomorrow. Readers may find this hard to believe but age HAS definitely mellowed me. In the grand scheme of things, it don’t amount to a whole hill of beans!

Hurrah for life, laughter, dogs, the countryside and women with big breasts! Grantham shall not have them.