Oh Darling, What Have You Done?

Once again, we’re all wrong and they’re right!

New Labour’s fiscal fuckwit Captain Darling got up on his cloven hooves in The House today to announce a wizard wheeze he said would get us all out of the clart. I haven’t consulted Hansard yet, but I understand his speech went something like this:

Darling: “Ok, chums, me and the chaps at old Treasury Towers have had a little think and the way we see it is like this. All the proles out there are up to their tits in debt. Am I right or am I right?”

The House, as one: “You’re not wrong, Darling!”

Darling: “Well, if we borrow loads of the jingly and folding stuff to loan to them, they’ll have the necessary to go out and start buying enamel toastracks, Z Boxes, Cliff Richard LPs and all the sort of tat those guttersnipes love and that will get Johnny economy bim-bang-buzzing again.”

The House, somewhat slurred now, but still as one: “Hurrah!”

Darling: “Then everybody who sells things will have oodles of moolah again.”

The House, most of whom are by now swinging from the chandeliers and throwing cans at each other: “Double hurrah!! And who are they who sell things, Darling?”

Darling: “Well……uurrmmmm…..well, all our mates.”

Last member standing: “And thrice hurrah!!!”

Darling: “We’re also going to bring back mortgage tax relief so the proles will start buying houses again.”

Last member kneeling: “You’re a genius, Al. What will happen when loads of them have bought houses?”

Darling: “Well, we’ll scrap the relief again so they'll all be in the clart again. And we’ll also get them to pay back all that money we borrowed for them.”

Last member’s last words: “Won’t that put them even deeper in the clart?"

Darling: “Of course it will, numbskull, but who cares? We probably won’t be around then. If we’re not, the boys and girls in blue over there will have to deal with it. If by some miracle we are still here, we’ll just tell ‘em what we told ‘em when we closed the Post Offices and sold everything off and all that kind of doings.”

Mr Speaker: “What was that? Remind me.”

Darling: “Tough titty fishfaces. We’re in power now so what ya gunna do about it?”


Away from Lalaland, two of the principal problems as I see it are that businesses are having to pull in their horns because the banks won’t lend to them, despite having been given billions by taxpayers to oil the wheels of commerce.

Also, everyone is being crippled by ridiculous and exorbitant energy bills and fuel bills, despite the fact that the price of oil has just fallen to an all-time low. Jesus, a bunch of Somali blokes managed to get a whole tanker-full of the stuff for nothing the other week! Businesses have to pay the rip-off energy charges and so, to survive, they have to pass them onto their customers who are already paying for them at home.

Here’s an idea. Why doesn’t this pathetic regime FORCE the banks to lend? Hell, in most cases it’s OUR money they will be lending to US!!!. Also, why doesn’t it cap energy costs and FORCE the greedy energy companies to reimburse customers for the money they creamed off between the peak in oil prices and its current nadir?

It wouldn't be the answer to everything but, Hell, it would be a start.