The National

"As they cross the Melling Road for the first time....!!!"

Yes, it's that time again - it's Grand National time!!

The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither and I are not, by nature, gamblers. Somehow, the glamour and allure of hanging around litter-strewn, smoke-choked bookies with a load of sullen tramps/alcoholics/Irish "gentlemen" has never really appealed to us. Likewise, handing over the few pence Lloyds Bank doesn't filch off us each week to crooked spivs, bedecked in anchor chain-jewellery, on the outcome of races between drugged lower mammals carrying on their backs drugged higher mammals - well, Irishmen at any rate - stricken by pituitary dwarfism has always seemed to us to be an ill-advised use of scarce funds.

However, today is Grand National day and so VSTB EW and I have what is euphemistically known as "a flutter". Well, it's tradition, isn't it? It's like contracting clap from sore-riddled whores when you're in the Army or accidentally breaking wind when you meet your other half's parents for the first time - it's got to be done.

So, STB EW and I have pooled our knowledge of the Sport of Kings, examined the form, had a quiet word with a few stable girls, read the Racing Post from cover to cover and, having poured over all the resultant information, picked out a number of nags based on whether they've got a nice name or the jockeys wear pretty colours.

Yes, you will be pleased to know that the clever money this afternoon will be riding on:

Simon - 12/1 (Pither), Chelsea Harbour - 14/1 (Pither), McKelvey - 25/1 (Pither), Cloudy Lane - 6/1 (Soon-to-be ex-wife), Tumbling Dice - 150/1 (Soon-to-be ex-wife), Hedgehunter - 12/1 and Comply Or Die - 10/1 (Soon-to-be ex-wife).

Ok, it's not so much a flutter as a livestock auction! I've also got £1 on John McCrirrick winning as well!! The performance of my thoroughbreds will depend largely on how much their milk rounds took out of them this morning while Mrs P has plumped for the favourite, a second favourite, a 247-year-old gluepot-dodger and, in Tumbling Dice, an animal which has recovered well from surgery and is showing no signs of being troubled by the removal of one of its legs.

The Grand National and betting in general are hovering on the edge of Grantham as I write.

POSTSCRIPT:
8.48pm, Saturday, April 5. STB EW is £60 up on the deal. I am SOL so......the Grand National and betting in general can go to Grantham.