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Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Shorts Don't Matter! 2.


The England team in confident mood before the big kick-off.


England lost at football tonight. That, in itself, was not startling but this particular defeat assumed some gravitas as it meant that the national side failed to qualify for the European Football Championship in Austria and Switzerland next summer.
Football supporters in England are very sad about this because, instead of travelling abroad next summer to watch their team play, bare their beer bellies and tattoos in the street, get drunk, throw chairs at police and fight foreign people, they will have to stay in England, watch other teams play on the telly, bare their beer bellies and tattoos in the street, get drunk, throw chairs at police and fight each other.
The whole thing, of course, was a fix. England is bestest at everything, as everyone knows, but it is incredibly bestest at football. England invented football - like concentration camps, the slave trade and Big Brother - and so should win all the time because only the English know all the rules. Everyone knows we have the finest league in the world, although very few English people play in it, and the rules are quite clear - games are decided by a panel of fashion designers and lifestyle gurus who sit down after each game and decide which team's players earn most, have the best haircuts, the most expensive clothes, the fastest cars, the most appalling, ostentatious houses, the most roasting/gang-rape convictions to their names, the most drunken attendances at China White's and the thickest, yet ironically thinnest, blonde girlfriends.

Well, Johnny Euro only went and changed the rules tonight, didn't he? For some ridiculous reason it was ruled beforehand that the winner of the game would be the team which got the footbally whatsit into the other team's goal-thing most!!! Talk about loading the odds against England. How the Hell are you supposed to get the ball into the net without touching it? I mean, were they seriously suggesting that our brave lads should mess up £500-a-throw pedicures by kicking it? Besides, kicking it would have dirtied their boots and bits of mud could easily have masked at least part of the name of the sponsors. Also, have you any idea what contact with anything other than hair gel could do to a Nicky Clarke hairdo? I suppose there could have been a way around that but Uefa only went and ruled that personal stylists and agents were not allowed on the pitch during the game. That was just madness.
Anyway, the ball is round, is it not? That means that it rolls along the ground, yes? So, how are you supposed to get near enough to it to blow it? The only way I can think it can be done is to run after the ball. Yeah, right!! How in the name of all that's holy can you pose for photographs, plug your latest line in sports casualwear or sign autographs if you're moving, let alone running?

England tonight played a team from somewhere foreign - I think it was called Croatia - and, while the players got the ball thing into the right goal twice, the Croatians went and put the ball in between England's goalsticks three times. Consequently, the Euro judges only went and decided at the end that Croatia had won because it had potted one more "goal point" than England. Big deal! So bloody what!! Croatia's haircuts were truly awful while the best car any of the players had was a mid-range Mercedes, and even that didn't have fuel-injection! As for their girlfriends, you wouldn't believe it! I spotted at least two in the crowd who weren't even orange!! There was also a rumour going around that the manager's wife didn't have plastic tits!! Not only that, ten of the eleven players they fielded hadn't written an autobiography!! Jesus Christ!!! Some of them were as old as 20 or 21!!!! What the Hell were they doing?
When the referee blew the whistle at the end of the game there was still a chance that England could qualify, however. That would have happened if Andorra (population 18 - number of people required for a football team 11) had beaten or drawn against Russia. Well, as you might expect, the foreigners ganged up against England and fixed the game so that the Russians won by one goal-thing to no goal-things. Typical!!
I know I am upset at the moment but think of the poor England team. Their agonies are not yet over. Radio Five Live said that two of manager Steve McLaren's hair extensions had worked loose during the match and so they will have to be replaced, Steven Gerrard was left with a bruise on his knee and he's supposed to be doing a fashion shoot for Pretty Polly tomorrow and the traffic was so bad that Sol Campbell's private helicopter couldn't land outside Stringfellow's until after 11pm, by which time all the members of the Football Association had drunk all the Krystal champagne! What a nightmare!!
I am really down about the game and how everyone is awful and we're brilliant and it's so unfair and we really deserve to go to Euro 2008 and how our poor players must feel.
Yeah - the England football team, and its alleged manager, can go to Grantham.

10 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

Barry Batterham.

Malcolm Cinnamond said...

Useless, useless bastards.

Betty said...

Two points:

1. Anything that adds fuel to my hatred of Steven Gerrard has to be a good thing.

2. Steve McClaren's hair extensions?? Surely they would have nothing to hold on to?

Anonymous said...

Alan Hansen hit the nail on the head when he described the result as one of English history's all-time lows. Personally, I thought Dunkirk was a pretty rum do.

Barry Lawrence said...

Boys,

Here, here!

Elizabeth,

Strangely, VSTB EW shares your hatred of Gerrard. She particularly hates the fact that, despite earning £1 krillion-a-day for doing what he would do in his spare time anyway, he always looks as if he's just crapped himself and been diagnosed with green monkey disease.

Barry Lawrence said...

Tessie,

Yes, I spotted that. What do you expect from a breed obsessed with the pluperfect tense "The lad's got the ball and he's gone down the wing and he's crossed it and it's gone in the back of the onion bag"?

Vicus Scurra said...

Reg, you aren't paying attention. They do not say "he's gone down the wing", they say "he's went down the wing". I am grateful that I won't be tempted to listen to that lot next summer. Instead I can listen to Bob Willis.

The Birdwatcher said...

Dam I knew there was something I was going to watch last night! No wonder everyone was miserable at work. They were slagging off some bloke that had been sacked and got £2.5m for the trouble. Assumed it was the head of the Inland Revenue, but obviously not.

Anonymous said...

Is there any chance of anyone gently pressing the barrel of a Desert Eagle against John Motson's head, easing off the safety catch and blowing the moron to eternity?

Malcolm Cinnamond said...

Can I be the first to say: "Pither for England!"

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".