For You, Herr Banker, Zee Whoring Is Over!

"Blenkinsop, Johnson, Snodworthy!! Get in here!!! Are you sure this woman was Holland's Minister for Overseas Development?"


New boy at the school of "You Couldn't Make This Up" is a report on how deep the what-the-fuck-did-you-think-was-going-to-happen? credit crunch is biting.

While the rest of us are busy battling to save our homes and stay out of debtors prison, it is comforting to know that those poor boys and girls in The City who helped to bring about the whole crisis in the first place are suffering as well.

The alarm bells have begun ringing in Deutsche Bank where a memo has gone round to staff ordering them to tighten their belts. The memo gives a fascinating insight into the current looseness of belts in the capital's financial heart.

Does this shock memo warn of mass redundancies? Nope! Perhaps a three-day week is on the cards? Nope! The closure of the final salary pension scheme, surely? No, the swingeing cuts at Deutsche are being made in employees' expenses.

If you think you've got it tough, how about this? The memo - THIS IS TRUE - insists that:

1. Staff should no longer charge the use of prostitutes and brothels to exes.
2. Nights spent at lap dancing or strip clubs are no longer on the company.
3. Deutsche Bank will say "nein" to claims for time spent on wrist exercise, tissue in hand, watching the porn channel in hotel rooms.
3. Staff should only travel second class on journeys of under two hours.
4. The cost of lunch be no more than £52-per-person - that's FIFTY TWO POUNDS - unless by prior arrangement.
5. Staff arriving in another country on an early morning flight should shower and shave at the airport and not claim expensive "You're Better Than Everyone Else" check-in facilities.
6. Cross-London travel should be by Tube and not taxi, unless by prior arrangement.

I think this is utterly disgraceful. As the CBI, fat cats and successive governments have repeatedly warned, unless we pay the proper rate to people who spend their time whoring, masturbating and gorging themselves while being ferried around the country in the lap of luxury then we face the prospect of losing them to companies abroad.

Wake up Britain!