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Wednesday 23 July 2008

Those Who Dodge Coffins.


Here's one. I know I've posted about this before but it's so bleedin' annoying it's worthy of another mention.

I've had the day off today and among the exciting list of chores on my agenda was a trip to the building society. Readers may recall that The Reluctant, as I call it, has been making concerted efforts over the last few years to hide from its customers. If it's not moving and failing to tell you where it has moved to it is changing its livery and pretending to be a launderette.

Well, Pither walked in to join the queue and ahead of me were the same fucking dickheads who always seem to be ahead of me when I'm in a hurry. They were, ostensibly, all coffin-dodging pensioners, clutching mountains of paperwork.

I believe that when anyone else goes in the people ahead of them do not smell of piss and talk about the war. They just walk up to the counter, say "May I withdraw £20 please?", are handed the dosh, their passbook is stamped and they leave. Total time, approximately two minutes. Not fucking me! The crumbly international financiers I'm landed with never just want fucking cash or something simple, oh no! They want to launch a hostile take-over of some global corporation or convert their fucking life savings of 23.6 million farthings into almighty Yankee Dollars then withdraw it cent by fucking cent or they want to set up a cross-indexed tracker hedge fund with their bastard pension payments or discuss the range of mortgage options on offer to people within gnat's nadger of the grave or...........or...........or to just fucking talk!!!

"Ooh, isn't it hot today? My grand-daughter gets hot, you know? Do you want to see a picture of her. This is her on holiday at the caravan - and this is her at the side of the caravan - and this is her in front of the caravan - and here's the inside of the caravan......." JUST FUCK OFF WILL YOU!! FUCK RIGHT FUCKING OFF YOU DRIBBLING, INCONTINENT WANKER!!!"

A whole bloody hour I was in there this morning, in 90 degrees of humidity and sweating like a fucking Kosovan at immigration. Sod 'em!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.
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3 comments:

Brad said...

Dude: Prosac is your friend.

23 July 2008 at 20:29:00 GMT
garfer said...

Help the aged Reg. One day you'll be older too and warbling into your custard like Jarvis Cocker, if you aren't already.

24 July 2008 at 07:49:00 GMT
Gin said...

Now Reg....tell us what you REALLY think! Don't hold back! You're just too shy.

Sorry, but you have me laughing so hard I can't think of a non-DRIBBLINGINCONTINENTWANKER thing to say. Since I'm slowly becoming one of those, I have more sympathy for them. Er....us.

Gawd, I've missed you!!! And I'm so glad you're back.

24 July 2008 at 07:53:00 GMT

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WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

Who fucking cares!!

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".