Slavery - An Apology

I, Reginald Pither, would hereby like to formally apologise for the part I played in operating the triangle of death which was the slave trade of the 18th and 19th Centuries...........

.........While I'm on, I would also like to put on record my deep regret at having colonised North America from the 17th Century onwards and then wiping out the native Indian population.
I am also extremely sorry for my abject imperialism over the last 500 years which saw me take over a third of the world and subjugate the people of countries such as India, Australia, Canada, Singapore and other Far Eastern outposts, bits of Africa, the Falkland Islands and various shitholes in the middle of the Pacific.
I am dead sorry for having been the first person in the world to operate concentration camps (Boer War, 19th Century) and I am also really red-faced about having killed loads of French chaps at Agincourt in 1415.
I am mega dischuffed about having massacred the Scots at Culloden in 1746 and then systematically purging the world of the Highland tribes and I can't begin to tell you how fucking pissed off I am about the whole Trafalgar business in 1805.
Christ, am I ever fucking soz about that Battle of Waterloo caper ten years later and what a twat I was over the whole Irish thingy?
Sinking the Spanish armada in 1588 was, let me tell you now, one of the wankiest days of my entire life and I should have my eyes gouged out with red hot pokers for being such a bastard to the Welsh since I don't know when.
I wouldn't begrudge anyone hacking off my testicles with a rusty razor blade and then packing the gaping, weeping, bloody wound with salt for the fucking Crusades of the Middle Ages and don't even get me started on how much of a wank-faced tosser I was for burning witches at around the same time.
God, what a cunt I am! I deserve to have all my skin peeled off and then be dunked in a vat of boiling hot dog shit!!
I'm sorry.
Do you hear me? I'm sorry.
I'M SO UNBELIEVABLY, GROVELLINGLY FUCKING SORRY, ALL RIGHT?.........................Can we move on now?

P.S. Further to the matter of meaningless apologies, I shall be writing to: The Italians about throwing Christians to the lions, the Danish about a few incidents of pillage and maiden-raping, the Germans about two European domestic disputes, the French about just being fucking French, the Welsh about Max Boyce, the people of the South East about Timmy Mallet, the people of my town about clogging the roads at rush-hour, my next door neighbour about his pigeons shitting on my roof.......oh, yes, and various African leaders about the part played by them in selling off their countrymen to the white slavers and getting rich on the proceeds.