Soft Sell

Oh my dear God - pluck mine eyes out for they offend me. I surely can't have any use for those particular balls any more as I think I have now seen everything.
It's telly selly time again and here's a bit of a quiz for you. See if you can guess what this blow-waved bint is advertising?

Sunsilk, perhaps? Nope!
Colgate? Naah, not even warm!
How about American Express, as in "That'll do nicely"? Noooh, oh dear me no.

I'll give you a clue. The product she is plugging (such an unfortunate choice of verb, bearing in mind what is to come) also, apparently, has exactly the same effect on these women:




It's obviously something which brings a radiant smile to the female of the species and also makes them appear beautiful. Give in? You'll kick yourself? Oh, all right then. It is, of course........wait for it..........and I quote.........."STOOL SOFTENER"!!!!!!!!
Could they, I thought to myself, mean something which makes it difficult to sit at the bar? No, surely not. I mean, unstable and bendy barstools are not something the licensed victuallers of this country have been crying out for. Then the mists of disbelief cleared. Jesus H Fucking Christ!!!! They have actually gone and invented a product which turns turds from extended pine cones into cream cheese! Worse than that, they're fucking advertising it on the box! - while people are having their dinner!!
This raises so many questions it has got my mind buzzing. I mean, first of all, did Hyacinth, Jacasta, Fifi, Lou-lou and Bella above seriously know what they were putting their faces to when the modelling agency sent them to "that" photoshoot?
Secondly, is it really a product you would carry around with you, openly, or admit to possessing? - "Yes, truly a magical evening darling. Fine wine, superb food and a sophisticated ambience. Just excuse me for a mo though, will you? I need to pop a couple of these because my shit's coming out like a reversing porcupine!"
Thirdly, why, in the name of all that's holy, would anyone who has access to beer, a curry, prunes or something similar go and splash out (pardon the choice of words) on something which is going to grease their dragon's nostril? As they say, happiness is a dry fart after a night out on the ale!
Lastly, I realise the advertisers had to be a tad coy about what they were promoting and so chose a neutral, non-descript name for this bionic bowel loosener......but Dulcoease!!!! How the Hell did they arrive at that?
I would have given anything to have been at the meeting of the admen when they were dreaming up a name and a campaign. "How about 'Grunt 'n' Glide' or 'Strain 'n' Drain'? I know, 'Ringpiece Repair'? No, no, I've got it, 'Sweet Sea Oil - For Your Chocolate Starfish'?"
All suggestions will be considered. In the meantime, I'm going to stack those soft stools and send them to Grantham.
P.S. The above photographs of the lovely ladies were taken after they used Dulcoease. This is what they looked like before: