The Cold Rush

"Take your flag and take a hike, big nose! I was here first!"
"Fuck off! It's mine."
"'Tis not too. It's mine!!"

I don't know about you but I'm on the edge of my seat here. It's dead exciting. You know? The race, I mean. It's almost as thrilling as watching the London Marathon on the box. Admittedly, you don't get the fun of watching dickheads dressed as badgers keel over with heart attacks in the heat or international track stars stop to piss up lamp posts, but it's gripping all the same.
I'm talking, obviously, about the new clamour to lay claim to the Arctic. Of course, it was those pesky Russkies who went and started it all. They only went and stuck their flag on the seabed under the North Pole while no-one was watching, didn't they? Sneaky bastards!
That woke up the Canadians. They stopped log rolling or whatever it is they do and started claiming that the Polar wilderness was theirs. The Danes then stopped filming each other screwing and piped up that it belonged to them and, predictably enough, the Yanks started jumping up and down saying that, thanks to their acquisition of Alaska for £2.50 and a couple of copies of Razzle, they owned the place.
Now, I wasn't bothered about Britain being left behind by not putting in a claim. I mean, did we really need 20 million square miles of fuck all? We've already got East Anglia. If the place was so fucking brill then surely old Bobby Peary or whoever actually got to the Pole first would have stayed and started a new nation. The reason everyone who has ever been there has come back at the first available opportunity is that it's a bit.......a bit.....a bit......well, have you ever been to Redditch?
The REAL reason for this second race to the Pole soon emerged, however. Some bright spark worked out that, because we're fucking up the climate by burning oil and gas like there's no tomorrow (which soon there won't be), global warming will melt the Poles. As the North Pole melts, so the argument goes, it will open up seaways and expose beds of coal, oil and gas hitherto made inaccessible by the ice. If you own the Pole you own the coal, the oil and the gas. It's a belter. Go north, young man!
Now, maybe it's just me but isn't there just the teensiest flaw in that reasoning? I see the exposure of fossil fuel resources bit. That I can get my mind round. The bit I have a problem with is the melting of the polar ice cap bit which goes with it. Won't we all be about 10ft underwater if the Arctic goes the way of an ice cube in your scotch? Also, as the north warms up, surely the south will warm up the same? That will mean the Antarctic will melt as well, won't it? That will mean we will all be about 40ft underwater.

Now, obviously, THEY have contingency plans to cope with this slight change in our future circumstances? Just supposing, however, that they haven't. Would someone please tell me how all these new stockpiles of fuel are going to help me? I mean, I may have access to loads more petrol but my car doesn't start on damp mornings as it is and, although gas supplies will be abundant, you try getting the pilot light to stay on if any moisture gets in the boiler.
I mean, at the moment I can get round these hiccups by calling out people to help but, should the polar ice caps melt, I think the responses from the AA and the gas board will be quite slow on account of all the staff having drowned!

There is also the superb irony underlying the cause of this race to the Pole. We are fucking up the planet by burning too many fossil fuels, which has led to global warming, which is making the ice caps melt, which will open up new coal, oil and gas fields, which will mean that we can burn more fossil fuels, which will lead to more global warming.
You know, I don't really think they've thought this one through. No, even if I could join the race north, which I can't, what with my knackered leg 'n' all, I don't think I would bother. It all seems a bit silly to me.
Nothing for Grantham, except Man's seemingly infinite capacity for stupidity.