I have made up my mind, I need a holiday and I'm going to have one.
I always put off planning a holiday - I put off, put off, put off and put off until, guess what? I don't end up going anywhere. I haven't been "away" for two years and, prior to that, I used to holiday about one year in four. Well, I've learnt my lesson and this time I'm going to get my knickers into gear and sort something out.
One drawback to a Pither holiday has always been that I had to shell out about double the amount other people did for the same get-away. I have four dogs and WILL NOT PUT THEM IN KENNELS (after one horrendous experience) and so have to pay people to stay at the Towers to look after them. My last holiday was in Crete and it did, indeed, cost more to have the dogs house-sat for a fortnight than it did for me to fly and stay on the island.
Well, this year, thanks to a slight hiccup in the marital department, I will have to holiday alone but the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither will be on hand at the Towers to look after the menagerie (she has already been to Rome and Bali this year so guilt is not an issue).
The trouble is, I haven't been on holiday alone since I was in my 20s - and I'm not sure how it will work. Part of me is relishing the prospect of going where I want, doing what I want, when I want and how I want. Another part is conscious of the fact that a man in his mid-40s, alone in a foreign land, will look, at best, sad, and at worst, a paedophile or sex tourist.
So, where does the man who has nothing go on holiday alone? Being a bloke, lying on a beach all day just doesn't appeal to me. I am more of a scenery and things to explore kind of a chap. However, after such a shit year, I do fancy somewhere hot this time, if only because the pace of life in places like that tends to be slower and more relaxed. Sardinia appeals, as does Sicily (best cooks in the world!!) but I'm not sure.
I don't want to see any Union Jack shorts. Ideally, I don't want to come across anyone from Britain at all - or Germany or the USA or Australia etc. I want to eat superb food, drink good wine, relax in the evening by chatting to local people or taking myself off to some beautiful spot to read a good book and watch the sun go down.
I want somewhere where with history, somewhere with its own, distinct culture, where the Stock Exchange hasn't been heard of, where newspapers don't exist, where radios and televisions are outlawed and where all the women have enormous gazongas.
This is an appeal to all my cultured chums out there. Where do I go?
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4 comments:
Well SW France is out because of all the Brits.
I'm not sure there is a holiday destination in the world where there won't be Germans - it just happens (must write about staying in France next door to a German family with a daschund called 'Vinkie' when I'm feeling strong one day).
I think Italy might be good, Sicily certainly as it has history, delights of the table, sun and more than its fair share of gazongas (real ones).
Enjoying gazing upon gazongas too obviously in central Europe, all of Asia, might mark you as a possible sex tourist. Having an appreciative gawp in France or Italy is simply good manners.
Easy enough to avoid setting off pedo alarm bells: avoid all Asia, the Balkans and anywhere in Europe that could be described as a "family friendly" destination.
Orkney is nice this time of the year, but then I'm biased. There are no Germans on Westray at present, the sun was shining yesterday, the neeps and tatties go wonderfully well with the best seafood in the world - crabs, lobster and scallops at rock-bottom prices. And - according to Lloyds Bank this week - we're not in the UK. The locals certainly don't speak Eglish as I've ever heard it before. You can help me clean out the pig shed as well. What are you waiting for?
I'm an Asian and don't in the least think a Brit having a holiday on the continent (that's not Europe, there are a few other continents) will automatically be labelled a pedo or sex tourist. Perverts abound everywhere, not just in Asia. Asia just happens to be a convenient target for many who don't really know what they're talking about. You could have a very enjoyable time in any of something like 20,000 fabulous locations, see and experience many good things the silly TV channels haven't thought of showing you, unwind with good wine, talk to the natives and read good books. Best of all, you would probably go home not feeling like a pensioner in the making with an extended hangover but like a young man who knows there's a lot more out there than the local and getting stuck in the traffic on a motorway. Not to mention rubbishing others out of ignorance.
Dear Chip-On-The-Shoulder (aka Amigo),
Firstly, on the subject of ignorance, "the" continent in Britain refers to Europe. It does, has done and always will do. I am aware that there are other continents - we used to run most of them!!
Secondly, you appear to have spectacularly missed the point. The point was not that parts of Asia are full of native paedophiles (note, paedo, not pedo) but that they are frequented by middle-aged, single paedophiles from this country, the rest of Europe and the Americas, a group I was keen on not being associated with - so get off your high horse.
Thirdly, I am NOT a young man and I have travelled extensively - so don't patronise me, you stupid little person (irony).
Learn to read things properly, think and then, and only then, give your views. It's people like you who start wars.
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