I am slowly but oh so surely going out of what's left of my mind, what with being laid up, hardly able to move and all-but housebound.
I have caught up on all the reading I can but day upon day of silence, interrupted only occasionally by the sound of a page turning, is soul destroying. That has led me to turn inexorably to the Devil's Lantern and it is sucking out the last vestiges of spirit in me. I no longer "watch" what's "on" the box. I have instead found myself staring, glassy eyed at whatever is flickering on the screen at that particular moment, all the time pondering some great televisual mystery posed by the subject matter. For instance:
1. Why do they put canned laughter on so-called comedy shows? The laughter is recorded, right? Well, why don't they screen the show which prompted the recorded audience to laugh instead of putting on something which just isn't fucking funny!
2. How many bastard episodes are there of The Bill? They must record up to 24 every fucking day! "In the beginning there was The Word - which will be followed by The Bill over on ITV."
3. Why the fuck does ITV feel the need to advertise its news coverage? How does that work? It's the fucking news, for God's sake! "Come and watch our reports on the the hurricane - it's a damn site better than the BBC's poxy earthquake!"
4. Why are programmes recorded at Volume Level A while the ads are recorded at Level Z? You can hardly hear a bloody word of what's on so you turn up the volume and then, just as you've got comfortable, the commercial break comes on and some twat starts screaming at you about bog cleaner!
5. Does anybody outside Millwall actually buy Diamonite jewellery off the shopping channel?
6. Is there something in the contracts dished out to presenters of the shopping channels or those bloody awful early hours quiz-call shows which stipulates that they have to be, or at least act as if they are, limp-wristed, lisping, chase-me-bet-you-can't gay bar-loiterers?
7. Who decided that the news is better if its read standing up?
8. Is someone seriously trying to kid us that the ridiculously vacuous and Barbie-esque Lara Lewington who does the weather on Channel 5 ever managed to finish a Janet and John book, let alone go on to get a degree in climatology?
There is more, much more, but as Scott said, I don't think I can write any more. All of the above can go.
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5 days ago
Shaggy Blog Stories
8 comments:
You need to be doing something with your hands.
No not that. Something that occupies your brain at the same time.
Time to take up knitting. Can the STBEMP bring you a goody bag from the wool shop?
Yes, as Arabella says, do something with your hands, otherwise you might find yourself putting your foot through the telly, and that might hurt.
I hope that this helps.
Hi Arabella,
It's certainly an idea. Yes, I think knitting is the future. Then, when I get bored and fed up with the telly, I can stick the knitting needles in my eyes!
Vicus,
I'm already deficient to the tune of one in the leg department as it is. Knitting seems to be a sad but inevitable end to my days.
I've told you before, you need to get pissed. And, as you know VERY well, I'm the man who can make this happen for you (or to you). Now shall I call a fucking taxi or what, you silly old bastard?
Kiss kiss.
BGT
Oh, really push the boat out and do corking instead!
Arabella,
I have, as you know, already tasted the emotional highs and lows which come with collecting corks. I don't think I can stand that rollercoaster again.
BGT,
I have been drinking with you before, don't forget. At least in front of the TV my pants are dry and I do not wake up to a prison breakfast.
This kind of corking, silly.
http://www.allfreecrafts.com/kids/corker.shtml
Sorry. Don't forget, though, I'm in my mid-40s and there is a history of heart disease in my family. I don't want to push myself to the very boundaries of excitement and risk an attack! Have you seen my collection of corks, though? Now that's a thrilling, man's hobby!
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