This group includes among its number such sufferers of reality blindness as Bobby McFerrin, the man who told us all “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” after pointing out in some detail how entirely shite our lives were.
Whoever wrote “Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam” is in there, along with anyone who ever sings it, and then somewhere near the middle of the crowd is Little Orphan Annie and her ridiculous belief that the sun will come out “Too-marr-how”.
These are people who say that Hitler might have been naughty at times but he was nice to his dog, that the Nazis had some challenging policies but always looked smart and that Peter Sutcliffe did wonders for the sale of hammers in Bradford.
They are people who trill “When one door closes, another one opens”. Oh yeah? Try telling that to the Princes in the Tower! They say that every cloud has a silver lining. I’m sure villagers in Bangladesh have that in mind as they are carried along at 100mph by a torrent of flood water as they cling desperately to the remnants of what was once their homes.
Anyway, the point of this rant (there is one, honest) is that these stupid people now have a board of directors in charge of them. The board is made up of the lounge lizards behind the latest Always Ultra advert.
Their mind boggling slogan for these menstrual pads is………Have a Happy Period - Always.
Now I don’t have periods. No, it’s not because of my advanced years, it’s because I’m a boy, you see, and only girls have periods (says ‘ere). However, I have lived with girls and, consequently, have witnessed first hand just how “happy” these bleedin’ lunar events can be. Now I’m not going to launch into a sexist rant about women and periods. I can fully appreciate the pain – “like little men with razors” one lady once said – and the hormonal/mood disruption they bring about. Having said that, I wouldn’t mind getting a brand new, replacement sexual organ every month, but that’s just me being trite. No, periods are bad. Bad for women and, thanks to misery displacement, bad for men.
How, then, could any adiot (Def:One who works in advertising) believe that any product could bring about “a happy period”? What next? A range of greetings cards with “Happy Period to You, Happy Period to You, Happy Period to Yoo-hoo, Happy Period to You” emblazoned across the front? Jesus, if they can get away with the latest Always advert they could get away with that. Hell, they could then branch out. Why not some more cards:
“Congratulations on Your Cancer Diagnosis.”
“Sorry You’re Leaving – From All On Death Row.”
“You’ve Lost the Key of the Door! – Good Luck With Your Alzheimer’s.”
“Wishing You A Happy Murder Trial.”
“All the Best in Your New Home – You’ve Been Sectioned.”
“Happy Anniversary – 10 Years Since You Were Widowed.”
Actually, the more I look at those, the more I think there is a market for them. Then again, being a committed realist (N.B. Realist – NOT pessimist), something would go wrong.
Always has always been too long for me so it can go to Grantham.
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5 comments:
The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray!
Not in bleedin' Scotland he hasn't.
Playing for Buxton Thirds requires you to be hopelessly optimistic and then as I have to do the match reports I have to find something positive to say even when we lose 86 - 0 as we did last season. I think I said that at least the grass was nice and soft and a rather wonderful shade of green when viewed close up.
Thanks Reg, from women everywhere! Happy Period my arse!!!!
I'd rather have to shave everyday than put up with PMT
(of course, that would mean even fewer people might want to kiss me than do now, but is there such a thing as a negative number?)
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