To bring my less than fascinating series on modern languages to a blessed conclusion I have to make mention of the king of crap, the Czar of shite, the Buddha of bollocks - Bizspeak.
I will make this brief as I have to go to work in about 3.4 picoseconds but I was so disturbed by what I heard on one of those ubiquitous business slots on the wireless an hour ago that I had to document it before I forgot the bullshit being spouted.
An "expert business analyst" was on and he was one of Thatcher's prodigies - you know, a pig-thick, cockney do-what!-apple-and-pears-maybe-it's-because-I'm-a-Londoner former barrow boy-type whose only interest in life is money.
In the space of just one minute he used the following two totally meaningless phrases:
CLIMBING A WALL OF FEAR.
UP-MOVING FOOTFALL.
Not content with showing what a twat he was, he backed that up by demonstrating succinctly how ridiculous yet obscene was the trade in which he was involved. He made mention of something like "strippers" or "headers" or "gappers" - it was not along ago now but it was such amazing nonsense that I have forgotten it already.
"What are they?", the show host inquired (somewhat surprisingly, considering he had let "climbing a wall of fear" and "up-moving footfall" go by without even attempting to stab said barrow boy.
The explanation? Wait for this............"Oh, that is where you sell shares before you have bought them."
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?????!!!
"Good morning, kindly greengrocer."
"Good morning."
"I would like to sell you all the stock in your shop, please."
"You're not from that 'home' around the corner, are you? You're not supposed to be out alone."
"No, stout yeoman. I shall sell you your produce and then I shall buy it back at a reduced price."
"Madge!! Keep him talking, I'll make the phonecall."
Yes, Bizspeak and all the other degenerative, post-Thatcher mutations of our great language, along with the stupid, talentless and money-driven tossers who created them, can go to Grantham.
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To Make You Laugh and Cry
I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons.
On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  4.2 |
| Mind: | 4.1 |
| Body: |  2.7 |
| Spirit: |  8 |
| Friends/Family: |  1.6 |
| Love: |  0 |
| Finance: |  5.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
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5 comments:
is it Wednesday already? crikey
I think that you may have found a category of cunts for whom Grantham is too good.
This is purely a guestimate, ballpark figures, but then again, it's like pushing water up a hill.
There was an episode of Hustle where they did that - except I'm sure there was some other dimension added to it - ie. they sold bazillions of shares the night before they bought them, until they were worth nothing 'cause they'd sold so many. Then they had to buy them back before open-oclock ... or did they? ... give me a moment here ... there was something about them being unable to buy them back ... because the Hustle team had 'bought' them ...
...
...
...
pish, whatever, it was stupid complicated, all abstract and made no sense. Basically, the Merchant bank lost a ton of moneys and the Hustle team received it.
Good programme. Stupid business speak.
I saw that episode!
:-)
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