All White?

Praise God!! I think we've made it! The white-out of doom some believed was foretold in Revelations has struck - but puny mankind has stood up to Mother Nature and the Horsemen of the Apocalypse appear to have fallen at the first........ Yeah, right! What an unadulterated load of crap!!
The news reports yesterday would have had us believe that Britain was on the verge of a climatic disaster to rival the one which drove Noah to go out and build a boat. The first hint I got that things might not have been quite as bad as had first been feared was when I actually woke up this morning - I had thwarted the Angel of Death, I thought. I counted my blessings and switched on the wireless to listen out for advice from our leaders on where us few survivors should try to rally, assuming any of our leaders had made it through the blizzard. Why were there no emergency broadcasts advising us to flee south by whatever means we could? Why was there no information on who was still with us and had a tin of beans and a slice of bread to share? Which port of evacuation to the continent was still serviceable? So many questions, not the least of which was................why the fuck was Nicky Campbell still alive and spouting his usual brand of Jock crap?!
One look out of the window provided me with the answers. Jesus H Christ! Was the snow up to the rooftops? Was it bollocks! I put more sugar on my Frosty Wheatyflakes at breakfast! As for continued downpours, I have experienced worse standing next to someone with bad dandruff in a strong breeze!
No doubt some creatures were suffering. I mean, it must have been an inconvenience for the odd ant or two, trying to trudge through a white carpet which came up to their ankles (ok, ants don't have ankles, but you get my drift - no pun intended). There again, most of their brethren had no doubt stayed indoors and heeded the advice not to travel "unless it is absolutely necessary".
I'm sure there were a few aphids who had to spend an hour or so this morning clearing the snow from their drives. Obviously, Axa Sunlife would have been deluged with claims from protozoans whose fences had collapsed in the "blizzard". Apart from them, I don't think the rest of us were too badly affected.
So, to all those dickheads who went out yesterday and cleared every shop in the land of bread, eggs, cheese and milk, tough titty! Looks like you're going to be eating omelette on toast for the next fortnight. How long do you think it is going to take you to work through that stockpiled mountain of Alphabetti Spaghetti? What exactly are you going to do with the 5,872 candles you bought? Melt them down and fashion a lifesize model of your own stupidity, perhaps?
It's the same old story in this country every time snow is forecast. The same old predictions of doom and the same old non-event consequences. Jesus, even rats learn when they are negatively reinforced enough times. I mean, it makes you wonder how the Inuit get by? Do they rush out every afternoon and stockpile emergency seals just because Radio Eskimo has forecast a white-over - AGAIN? Do they listen to portents of doom every night on the 6 O'Clock News? Do they spend their lives stuck in their igloos because EBC 1 has advised them "not to go out unless it is absolutely necessary"? Je ne pense pas!!!
Oh dear. No, panic caused by "snow blindness" can drift off to Grantham.


NOTE: Since writing this, more snow has fallen. It is now about an-inch-and-a-half deep so apologies to all those ants, aphids and protozoans whose plight I might have underestimated. Is that the distant sound of horsemen I can hear? Quick, has anyone got a spare tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti?