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Friday, 23 February 2007

Oy Vay. First You Say Sink It, Now You Want Build It. Make Up Your Minds.


Oh lord. Where to start? I have been healed and there is so much to say.
Well, there I was, dozing happily in the armchair, the central heating snuggling me nicely, the television gently chuntering away in the background. Peace.............. Then it happened.
"BUILD THE BISMARK!!", the TV screamed. I was jolted awake, completely startled, but I didn't panic. I hastily donned my slippers and made for the garage as quickly as I could. Once there, I grabbed my faithful old tool box, a saw from the wall and two pieces of plywood leaning up against the wall. I was up to the task.
Then my brain started to gain ground on my body and I began to come round from my near sleep-walk. What the Hell was I doing? Why, in God's name, had I suddenly felt obliged to build the infamous Nazi pocket battleship? I trudged, bemused, back to the telly from where I had received my orders.
It was another one of those ludicrous adverts plugging a mindless magazine like the one with which you could amass your own pile of rubble. This publication offered you the chance to build your own model Bismark by including parts in each issue. The advertisers trumpeted that the first issue was 50p but they were then forced to detail on screen that to complete the model you would have to buy 139 other issues at £4.99-a-time! By my calculations, that means that this tribute to death and destruction which was the pride of the Nazi regime - so you would no doubt love to have it sitting on your coffee table - would set you back £694.11p! Hell's teeth!! You could almost raise the original bloody ship for that much!!!
Sorry boys. Extortionate models of the Fatherland's most feared fighting machines can just sail off to Grantham.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

yer vole mein general, admirmal only 900 of ein battleships vould haf to be consructed and we would rulz ze vorld again.

sandy volstrangler

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".