I thought I had touched sediment. I thought I could go no lower. Wrong!!!!!
I am 46, overweight, balding, a smoker, I drink too much and I have a face like a camel sucking a biscuit and the dress sense of Timmy Mallet. Then, last year, it was announced to me that my marriage was shortly about to end. Anything else?
Well, with my self esteem lower than Vanessa Feltz's gut, a little surprise dropped through my letterbox yesterday which must have surely taken me down as low as it is possible to go.
The surprise? A Valentine's Day card. Not something awful, you might think? Something to actually bring a smile to my face, you might think? Wrong again!! For the last 17 years I have not received a single Valentine's card. The reason is that for the last 17 years I have been married and my wife (soon-to-be ex-wife) and I agreed early on that Valentine's Day was just an excuse for card companies to make money. If you have to wait for one day in the year to tell your other half that you love them then your relationship is in serious shit.
All of a sudden I am single and in my first year of singledom I get a card. Hurrah, you might think. Pither's pants are still radioactive in women's eyes. Nope. You see, the problem is..................it's from a fucking dog!!!!! No, not one of those dogs, a REAL dog. It's from Ellie, the dog I sponsor through the Dogs Trust.


So, to recap, I'm 46, overweight, balding, a smoker, I drink too much, have a face like a camel sucking a biscuit AND................my only female admirer in the whole world is a mongrel bitch!!!!
Thanks Ellie, but it hasn't helped. No, Valentine's Day can fuck off to Grantham.