...........This is going to upset so many of my chums but, while the rant is still with me, what about "Baby On Board" and worse still "Small Person On Board" signs in cars? What the bloody Hell is that all about?
A friend who has one in her car once tried to justify it to me with an explanation that was about as lame as Douglas Bader on sticky lino!
She claimed that the signs were there for the benefit of the emergency services in the event of a car crash. Apparently, the police and firefighters spot the notice and so know they have to rescue a baby from the wreckage, a baby they might otherwise have overlooked. There is one word for that reasoning.............and the word is "bollocks!"
Firstly, these gushing parent-types invariably drive around with the sign still up while little Jackasta or baby Moonchild is nowhere to be seen. What happens if, God forbid, they are in a smash then? Firemen spend four hours sifting through the tangled metal which was once their family-friendly people carrier looking for a bloody sprog who isn't there!
Secondly, if they do crash, are they seriously trying to tell me that a small notice made of card and sellotaped to the inside of the back window has more chance of surviving the impact than a fully strapped-in, babyseated object which is all noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other? That dog don't hunt!! If the wreckage is so mangled that a baby could be overlooked or the scene is a fireball, how the buggery bollocks is a piece of card supposed to be still visible?
No, these notices serve one purpose, and one purpose only - to announce to all and sundry "I've had a baby, I've had a baby, I've had a baby!!!" Well, bully for you. I bloody know you've had a baby! You and your sort run me down with your sodding pushchairs and prams whenever I'm out shopping, your brats scream the place down and throw mashed potato at me when I go out to eat and whenever we meet up you bring a lorryload of baby accessories with you and we have to spend all our time talking about how firm your spawn's shit has become and how they are merely expressing themselves when they crayon on your fucking wallpaper!
It's Grantham time. Baby On Board, Small Person On Board, Princess On Board, Annoying Little Drain On Us Childless Taxpayers On Board signs can all go.
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3 comments:
Hillarious!!! You knock the shit outta me. Will have to come back more often. People actually think that we're gonna drive that much more carefully iffin we see them stickers. WTF? I drive to keep Meself safe not some idjit with frog spawn in the backseat.
You are a Scary Monster of evident good taste with the same jaundiced outlook on these things as me.
Don't be a stranger - the world needs more of us people who carry the words "what the fuck is going on?" around with us as others do their mobile phones.
Not only do the little bastards crayon on your wallpaper - some of them bash shit out of expensive musical intruments, under full maternal supervision, to the extent that you can't play a D above middle C ever again afterwards.
Note that I'm talking in generalities here, rather than citing a specific instance or anything like that.
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