Govspeak 2007

Following my discourse on Politicospeak, I would like to introduce the next in my fascinating series on modern languages - Govspeak 2007.

I was introduced to Basic Govspeak when I first joined the Fourth Estate and took up scribing way back in 4BC - political tales and coverage of local council meetings being mainstays of newspaper journalism.
What is Govspeak, I don't hear you ask? Well, in essence, it is the language used by local council officers, Whitehall mandarins and, consequently, their political masters.
Why was Govspeak invented? That, I'm afraid, is slightly harder to answer. The simplest way I can think of explaining it is to have you follow the chain of logical statements below to their inevitable conclusion.
1. The basic function of all public bodies is to collect money off everyone and then give it back, usually in the form of services.
2. To perform this function, public bodies such as councils need to employee two people - one to gather in the cash and the other to give it to people who actually DO something for a living.
3. The average local council in Britain employs around 12,895,863 people (the payroll in central government is obviously much larger).
4. Ordinarily, this would leave 12,895,861 employees in each council with "fuck all" to do all day.
5. Doing "fuck all" and getting paid for it is illegal (see the Fiscal Reimbursement For Doing Jackshite Prohibition Act of 1456), unless of course you are a member of the Royal Family.
6. The existence of 5 above leaves 12,895,861 town hall staff in each council with a dilemma.
(a) It is against the law and it is not a good career move to tell one's bosses and the general public which pays one "One has absolutely 'fuck all' to do again today so one thinks one will just arse about all morning, picking one's nose, scratching one's arse and making paper planes, before going to the pub for three hours and then returning to do a little more 'fuck all' until the bell goes for home-time".
(b) It IS, however, lawful and a good career move to give one's bosses and the general public which pays one the IMPRESSION that "One is working harder than a Japanese prisoner of war on things which are far too complex for you ordinary people to understand".
7. If the law is not to be openly flouted and the sack is to be avoided, a tool needs to be created capable of bridging the yawning chasm between these two opposites. That tool must convert the sentence in quotes in 6(a) into something which, while still meaning the same thing, leaves the desired impression expressed in 6(b). Are you still with me? If so...
8. Govspeak IS that tool. Hence, the sentence in quotes in 6(a) can be converted into sentences which still mean the same but leave the impression given by the one in 6(b), such as:
(a) "One is involved in a blue sky, decision making protocol on a think tank-led basis with a view to the roll-out of a corporate strategy for designated flagship golden arrows on a partnership pathway to regeneration."
OR (b) "One's perception of the core challenges is undergoing a root and branch re-evaluation with a view to the block-base construction of prioritised engagements aimed at positive input."
Etc, etc.

I am currently working for a local authority on a temporary contract. Why, given the state of affairs outlined above, have I joined these buffoons, I once again don't hear you ask? The simplest way I can think of explaining it is to have you follow the chain of logical statements below to their inevitable conclusion.
1. I have a mortgage.
2. The building society wants paying every month.
3. Said council reimburses me for attendance at its offices.

I was, as I said earlier, introduced to Basic Govspeak many years ago but I have learnt that it has moved on in the interim and the latest version is, predictably enough, Govspeak 2007.
The finer points of the updated language were highlighted in an e-mail I received today from the Local Government Association which was desperately trying to outlaw Govspeak 2007 - if only for tomorrow because that is Plain English Day.
As if to support the assertions made earlier in this post, the LGA highlighted some of the most obscene and yet most frequently used words and phrases in local and central government circles. I kid you not, they include:

CAPACITY BUILDING
COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT
CONDITIONALITY
COTERMINOSITY
DISTORTS SPENDING PRIORITIES
EXTERNAL CHALLENGE
HOLISTIC GOVERNANCE
IMPROVEMENT LEVERS
INCENTIVISING
PARTICIPATORY
PLACE SHAPING
PROCESS DRIVEN
QUICK HIT/WIN
SCOPING
SEEDBED (non-horticultural variety)
SIGNPOST (non-pole variety)
SOCIAL CONTRACTS
STEP CHANGE
SUSTAINABLE COMMUNITIES
SYNERGIES
TESTED FOR SOUNDNESS
THIRD SECTOR
TRANSFORMATIONAL
VALUE-ADDED

I have, however, saved the best for last. Get your mind round this. One phrase used excessively in government circles is..........

PREDICTORS OF BEACONICITY!!!

I swear to God that is on the list. If ANYONE, ANYWHERE has ANY fucking idea what the fuck that fucking means then I would love to hear from them.
In the meantime, Govspeak - in all its forms - can go to Grantham.