The Politicospeak 750X (Batteries Not Included)

Get 'em while they're 'ot!!


I bought a hi-tech transducer this weekend and it has revolutionised my life. It has finally helped me understand why we're all in the shit.
The K-Tel "Politicospeak 750X" is truly amazing. Without it, the only sounds audible to humans when British politicians speak are "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, here, here! blah, blah, resign! blah, blah, blah, blah, before I answer that question, blah, blah, blah."
However, if you stick the USB on the end of the 750X into your television - or up the arse of a politician, should you be unfortunate enough to meet one face to face - two fantastic functions are available to you - "Anglification" and "Clarification".
A flick of the switch onto Anglification instantly translates the bullshit being spouted by any politician into English. The second function is, however, the truly unique one. Flick onto Clarification and the recorded bullshit is cleverly decoded again and read back in "Truth" mode by a REAL person who lives on Earth and not the Planet Thwarg.
I tried this out for the first time while watching Andrew Marr interview Ed Balls (never was a man more aptly named), Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, on the Devil's Lantern this morning.





"So, Ed," inquired Marr,
"we've slipped from seventh to 17th in the international education league table. Isn't that a disaster?"
The "blah, blah, blahs" started so I switched on the transducer. Low and behold, I heard: "Look, part of the reason is that lots of new countries have been added to the table in the interim. We have actually improved massively but we're still not quite yet world class."
Later on, Marr suggested that the whole business surrounding the near collapse of Northern Rock Bank had been a fiasco. At the first hint of the "blah, blahs", on went Anglification again and I heard: "I think the whole situation has been extremely well managed."

Marr, who has such massive ears because they each contain their own transducer, pressed on with the questioning. "Aren't we just reaping what was sewn by Margaret Thatcher in the '80s?" "Blah, blah, blah"....flick!..."Although I didn't agree with all of Mrs Thatcher's policies, you cannot deny that she was a fantastic role model for women in this country. She inspired people like the Spice Girls who showed girls what they were capable of."

Mr Balls' comments soothed me. Things were pretty rosy. I began to think what a fantastic Government we had and I was on the verge of making a donation to New Labour in the name of Prince Leopold IX of Bratislava when I played back in Clarification. Oh dear!
"So, Ed," inquired Marr, "we've slipped from seventh to 17th in the international education league table. Isn't that a disaster?"
"Of course it's a fucking disaster, you dipshit!! We thought we'd go up a few places when those other countries joined the table but, guess what? Turns out our kids are even more illiterate and pig-thick than the street urchins and child beggars of Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan and Moldova!! You wanna see the standard of education in this country? Look outta the fucking window, arsehole!! We've got kids who think the London Underground is a political movement! The only countries we're ahead of in the table aren't really countries anyway - they're villages in the middle of the bastard Amazon!! What do you fucking expect when teachers are told to spend all their fucking time writing lists detailing precisely how shit their kids are by comparison with those at other schools instead of actually fucking teaching them anything!!! We've got about as much chance of becoming world class as Vanessa Feltz has of dying of anorexia!"

I listened on to hear the truth about Northern Rock. "Fiasco doesn't even come close to covering it, arsewipe!! A bunch of greedy, brain dead, capitalist wankers decide to invest everyone else's fucking money in exploiting poor people who can't afford to pay the exorbitant interest charges and fees piled on them by equally greedy, unprincipled American lenders and then they are surprised when it all goes tits up! The fucking Bank Of You and Me then stumps up £30 billion - yes, fucking £30 billion, or about £900-a-head - to bale the bastards out!! Did they ask you or me if they could have our money to prop up these tossers? Did they arse!! I don't remember £30 billion being taken out of our accounts to save the miners or the steel workers. Do you?"

I have to admit that by this stage my faith in the apparent genius of our Government was beginning to falter. Then Marr's final query was raised. "Aren't we just reaping what was sewn by Margaret Thatcher in the '80s?"
"You think??!!??? Yuh, huh!!! What did you expect, cuntybollocks? That mad bitch tapped a rich vein of greed in the country and the thick and ignorant rose to the surface, just as scum always rises to the surface. Money became the new currency for EVERYTHING - not only for barter but also for a class system, for real worth or value, for importance, for aspirations, for life itself. Educational achievement actually became frowned upon. 'I leff skule at 16 with nuffink and look at me now. I'm a bleedin' miwionaire!' She wasn't actually a woman, anyway. She was a cross between a rat and a coiffured snake but she did for women what Vlad the Impaler did for the fucking Blood Transfusion Service. As for the buggery-bollocks Spice Girls, oh yeah, they gave youngsters something to aim for, all right. Now all our trainee tarts want is to be talentless clotheshorses with IQs lower than their shoe sizes and with the morality of a cross between a rabbit in spring and Stalin! All they want to fucking do is 'be famous'. At least fucking Stalin DID something to become famous!!"

I'm not sure if I'm going to use the 750X again. It might make me start thinking that the country is in an almost irretrievable, disgusting state of moral and educational collapse. I mean, that can't be right, can it?

Politicians can go to Grantham.