Gizza Job.

I have been to Big Town today (doffs cloth cap, adjusts gaiters, shuffles straw to other side of mouth). I went for a job interview, well an interview at an agency to be precise - I don't think it went too well.
I didn't really want to sign up with this bunch but I felt compelled to as there is apparently something in the smallprint of my mortgage whereby if I don't bung the building society some money every month they repossess my house.
Anyway, I had arranged to meet a fluffy from the firm's Human Resources department. Do you remember when it used to be "personnel" i.e, appertaining to people, as opposed to "resources" which are there to be used up and then dumped? The interview was scheduled for 11am _ note, pronounced "shedule" and not "skedule" as pronounced by the fluffy and our trans-Atlantic cousins.
I arrived at the company's offices at 10.55am and, after noticing how mega-plush they were (a sure sign that the firm regarded buildings as "a good investment" and employees as "a drain on profits"), I was shown into the interview room bang on 11am. Sadly, the HR fluffy didn't show until 11.15am. Well, after all, that's understandable. I had had to travel 16 miles for the meeting but she had had to walk from her office next door. There were bound to be roadworks in the corridor! Below, to the best of my recollection, is a transcript of the salient parts of the encounter:
Fluffy: Good morning!
Reg: Evening (ouch!).
Fluffy: So, what skills do you possess?
Reg: I'm a journalist! Would you ask a coat hanger what its main skill was?
Fluffy: Urm, well, what would you say your strong points were?
Reg: I find things out and then write about them. Oh, and I've got good teeth.
Fluffy: Oh, right, but what skills do you possess in particular?
Reg: I can read and write a bit - urm, and, oh, yes, and type and do shorthand. Oh, and I do a passable Tony Blair impression.
Fluffy. What impact did you have on your last employer?
Reg: I never hit him once. I swore a few times and threatened to make him wear his arse for a hat but there were no actual fisticuffs.
Fluffy: No, I mean what IMPACT did you have?
Reg: Well, to the best of my knowledge, they're still in business. I'm not sure that they've scaled the heights of the FTSE since, though.
Fluffy: Let's put it this way, if you hadn't been there what would the difference have been in the end product?
Reg: There would have been blank spaces in the paper?
Fluffy: Moving on, what is your immediate goal?
Reg: To wake up in the morning.
Fluffy: No, I mean career-wise?
Reg: To wake up in the morning, win the Lottery and then pay some fuckwit to do my job.
Fluffy: What kinds of employers would you be willing to work for?
Reg: Ones that pay me.
Fluffy: No, well, urm, put it this way, what kinds of employers wouldn't you want to work for?
Reg: The Nazis?
Fluffy: Do you have a degree certificate?
Reg: Yes.
Fluffy: What in?
Reg: My briefcase.
Fluffy: No, no, I meant.......never mind. Can I see it?
Reg: Yes.
Fluffy: Well?
Reg: It's by my foot. The black, leather thing with the handle.
Fluffy: No, I meant the certificate.
Reg: Oh.
Fluffy: What salary would you be expecting?
Reg: As much as I could cream out of them.
Fluffy: Are you prepared to relocate?
Reg: No, this chair is fine, thanks.
Fluffy: You're not taking this seriously, are you?
Reg: You started it.
Fluffy: I mean, let's say, are you married?
Reg: Hell, that's a bit sudden. Let's get the interview out of the way first.
Fluffy: It's just that if you're single it is easier to relocate.
Reg: Well, as it happens, I'm separated - but I still don't want to sit over there.
Fluffy: I think we've covered everything for now.
Reg: Michelangelo said that when he'd got the primer down on the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel.
Fluffy: You really aren't interested in joining us, are you? Is there anything you want to ask me?
Reg: Oh God, loads. None of it to do with work. In the meantime, have you actually got any jobs for me here at all (would she know Python's cheese shop sketch?).
Fluffy. Not at the moment.
Reg: (She might just know it.) You haven't? Well when then?
Fluffy: Well, I'm on holiday after today. Some time in the New Year?
Reg: (Too much to expect she would have known it. Better leave the "then I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you" reply). Certainly put my mind at rest on one or two things there.
Fluffy: Ciao. Miss you already.
Reg: Fuck off.

She said she would ring me soon. I said I thought she might just be lying!
Human resources! Urgh! Get rid of them. Off to Grantham you go.