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Friday 22 December 2006

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!!!

The Life (or is it death?) of Brian - pictured in happier times.

It's that time! It's show time!! He's arrived, or rather I collected him. Meet Brian, the Christmas turkey.
My boy is going to spend a couple of days chillin' out - literally - before he takes centre stage on Monday. Ok, so he's not so big - just 10lbs to be precise - but I am the only one here who will enjoy his oven-bronzed beauty on the big day, owing to a slight hiccup in the marital stakes. Still, it could have been worse. Whereas I got Brian from the Acme Joke butcher's in my village, a pal ordered a turkey from "the posh butcher's" just round the corner. It weighed in at 14lbs - and cost him £60!!!!! For that, I would expect the bastard thing to baste itself, having entertained with card tricks and prepared all the veg! I learnt my lesson at "the posh butcher's" many years ago.
I should have known there was going to be a problem when I walked in and noticed the whole shop was laid with shagpile carpet - seriously!! The 247 assistants all wore pristine, matching uniforms, unlike my guy who staggers out in a blood-stained tunic, with a fag on the go, and clutching a chopper and a chainsaw. Then I heard the sounds of one of the miriad blue-rinse, posh, pensioner types in there - "Two rashers of bacon and a sausage - and have them delivered!!!" Jesus! Not my kind of territory.
Anyway, Brian and I are going to spend a couple of tender nights together - any port in a storm - and then he's stepping up to the oche.
Posh turkeys for Grantham? I don't know - and Brian and I don't care.
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

FREE THE TURKEYSTAN ONE

23 December 2006 at 11:52:00 GMT
Barry Lawrence said...

Back off, man! We're happy together. Besides, he's called Brian, not Stan.

23 December 2006 at 14:24:00 GMT

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WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

Who fucking cares!!

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".