"I'm Spartacus, and So Are Trevor, Robin and Barry!" - Doh!

Silent, but ultimately deadly.

You didn't think that one through, admit it.

I feel deflated. Not physically, you understand. Indeed, the seemingly endless supply of brussel sprouts, stuffing, chocolates and mince pies has left me feeling and, to some extent, looking like the R101 - for God's sake don't light a fag near me or I could go the same way. No, I feel deflated spiritually.
It is all my own fault. I decided this evening to watch one of my all-time favourite films, featuring one of my all-time historical heroes - Spartacus. I have seen it scores of times but for some reason - probably post-Christmas melancholia - this time I put some real thought into it and analysed the story. Big mistake.
Even though the Hollywood version is a hugely romanticised tale which is less than historically accurate, Spartacus WAS a hero to the slave classes, he stood up against the might of imperial Rome and proved a brilliant general and leader who inspired tremendous loyalty. The most famous scene in the epic is where the vanquished slaves are asked to identify Spartacus in return for their lives. Antoninus - aka Tony Curtis - stands up alongside Spartacus - the great Kirk Douglas - to proclaim that he is the eponymous hero and his selfless action is copied by all the other slaves in turn. They would all rather die than betray their leader.
Then it occurred to me. The surviving slaves are surrounded by thousands of their massacred comrades. If Spartacus was such a bloody bright spark and all round Johnny Good Egg, why didn't he just say to the others "I'll handle this lads" then point to one of the dead slaves and say "Uuurm, ooh, let me think now, oh, yes, that's him over there, the one with his legs missing and the top of his head gone, honest"? That way he and all the other chaps would have escaped being nailed up. What a divot! As it was, the whole lot of them ended up with a date at the ironmongers and a lofty view of the Appian Way.
Later still, Spartacus and Antoninus are the last two slaves waiting to be crucified when they are ordered to fight each other to the death. They do. Maybe it's just me but why didn't Spartacus say "No, won't fight, shan't fight, so there"? What were the Romans going to do to punish them for refusing? They were going to be crucified anyway! As in The Life of Brian, would one of the Romans say to the condemned pair "You're only making it worse for yourself"? The plot has us believing that each wanted to kill the other to save him from the agonies of crucifiction. Well, they'd had a few days together while their mates were being "put up for the night" alongside the road. Why didn't one sneakily bash the other over the head with a half-brick or push him under a passing ox cart some time during their wait if that is how they felt? And another thing. If Spartacus was such a spiffing, honourable cove, why didn't he step forward while his other pals were getting the Spear and Jackson treatment and say "Look guys, enough's enough. Point made. It was a bloody joke. I'm Spartacus. See? My mum sewed my name tag into my toga. Can the lads come down now?"
The shattering of the Spartacus legend is almost as painful to me as the time in my youth when a pal smashed for me the heroic status of Captain Lawrence "Titus" Oates. Oates, who was suffering from terrible frostbite, wandered out from the Scott expedition tent into a blizzard to commit suicide so as not to hold back the others in their attempt to reach safety. His famous last words were "I'm just going outside and may be some time". His act of amazing gallantry was ruined when my pal said: "Do you know what he said just before he told the others he was going outside?" "No," I replied, inviting trouble. My friend's reply? "Who's farted?" Kinda spoils the story, don't you think?
I think finding out your heroes and heroines are men and women of straw after all are revelations for the folk of Grantham.