I am on a list somewhere - and I want off it!!
I'm not sure how I got on this list but, over the last six months, I have been getting anything up to 10 cold sales calls on my landline every day. The final straw came today when I heaved myself off my sickbed for the third time to answer the phone, only to discover it was yet another arse trying to flog something.
I am still feeling as rough as a badger's backside and yet when I answered each time, sounding like Lee Marvin singing on a third normal speed, the dimwit at the other end opened with the same lines each time:
Pither (in barely comprehensible Wanderin' Star croak): "Yuurrgh."
Dimwit (usually with Asian twang): "Huurrlloooooo Mrs Pither."
Pither: "You tryin' to be funny?"
Dimwit (unperturbed): "How are you today Mrs Pither."
Pither: "'Ow do I sound, clothears? I feel bloody awful."
Dimwit: "Good, I am glad to hear that.I wonder if you could spare me a moment. This is not a sales call."
Pither: "You're lying, intcha'?"
Dimwit: "Oh, thank you Mrs Pithers. Can I ask you if you have a mortgage?"
Pither: "No, course I don't. I'm independently wealthy and always pay cash for my houses. Now, let me crawl away and die. I suggest you do the same."
click.....brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I have now decided not to answer the landline. If anyone important calls about anything other than my mortgage, gas supply, life assurance or to tell me that I have been chosen from literally thousands etc. they will leave a message I can pick up later, I assume.
This has just got to be down to my soon-to-be ex-wife. She just can't stop replying to bloody surveys, whether over the phone or when posed by those gits who insist on accosting you in the street, clipboard in hand.
I have to admit, however, that she was responsible for one priceless line after I decided to wind up one of these cold calling reptiles. He called to try to flog me employment protection and so, fed up with his breed, I arranged for him to call round - on a day when I knew there would be no-one at home. He rang again subsequently to say that he had got no reply at the front door and I apologised, explaining that my grandmother had been taken ill and I had rushed her to hospital (she died - in 1972!!!). We rearranged another appointment and once again he arrived to find no-one at home - my wife and I were away on holiday. His follow-up call duly came, I apologised once more, put forward some fatuous excuse and fixed up a third appointment at a time when I knew again that there would be no-one at home.
Clearly exasperated at his time being wasted on a third fruitless visit, the said reptile phoned once more to ask what had happened and STB EW, by chance, answered the phone. I overheard the conversation. This will sound as though it is made up but I swear it is true. The conversation went like this:
STB EW: "Oh dear, I am sorry about all this. Was it a man you spoke to?"
Reptile: "Yes."
STB EW: "Did he sound middle-aged?"
Reptile: "Yes."
STB EW: "Oh heavens, I suppose he said he was Mr Pither?"
Reptile: "Yes, he did, why?"
STB EW: "I can only apologise. That must have been Randolph. He's not allowed to answer the phone. He's very naughty."
I actually applauded when the phone went down. A classic. We never heard from the reptile again.
The trouble is, great tactics like that are time consuming and I really just can't be bothered anymore. So, cold calling salesmen and women can just ply their infuriating trade in Grantham from now on.
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To Make You Laugh and Cry
I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons.
On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  4.2 |
| Mind: | 4.1 |
| Body: |  2.7 |
| Spirit: |  8 |
| Friends/Family: |  1.6 |
| Love: |  0 |
| Finance: |  5.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
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2 comments:
The Privacy and Electronic Communications (EC Directive) Regulations 2003, make it unlawful to make unsolicited direct marketing calls to individuals and Pithers who have indicated that they do not want to receive such calls.
to fuck off phones and faxes
http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/
letters false limbs etc
http://www.mpsonline.org.uk/mpsr/
Silent Calls (thats me, that is)
Silent Callgard Service on 0870 4443969.
Then no one phones or write and you feel sad lonely and even more fed up.
Ethel Noss SS Capt retired
Good lord! It's amazing what they can do these days. Thanks for that. I shall act immediately. I shall ring up and say "Heerlooo, how are you today?"
I notice it was a regulation which came from Europe. Our neo-fascist government would never have brought it in unilaterally. Oh no. "Stifling the entrepreneurial spirit", they would have said. Fuck 'em.
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