'Ave A Banana!

I don't know about you but I think that nice Mr Brown and his government have come up with an absolutely ripping idea to help ensure that our kiddies grow up big and strong and never have nasty diseases or things like that anymore.
You see, some silly people are fretting that we have spawned - and I quote from a recent speech by Archbishop Rowan Williams - a generation of "fucking lard-arsed, bone idle, desensitised, brain dead, uncaring, disrespectful, greedy, self-obsessed, talentless, morally and idealistically bankrupt little Satan-worshipping bastards"................lord knows I'm not one of them.
I do, however, think that we should do something to cut down on the future number of wobble bottoms and thereby say "yah boo sucks with no returns" to the moaning minnies at the same time. That's why I was jolly pleased when I heard about the latest wizard wheeze to help our tiny ones.
The government wants to give ladies with babies in their tummies £200 to buy fruit and vegetables to keep them healthy and so make their tots healthy. Now, some Sidney Cynics say this top hole plan might possibly be open to abuse but I say they should jolly well trust the government a bit more. I am sure that the money will be accompanied by a jolly stiff letter advising that it would be awfully naughty to by-pass the greengrocer's and spend it instead on things like bingo, fags, Tenants Extra, shellsuits, tattoos, dope, crack cocaine, heroin or, worse, copies of Grazia magazine. Hurrah for the government, I say! Three cheers!!

Meanwhile, back on planet fucking Earth, my alter ego asks the question "CAN YOU GET YOUR FUCKING MIND ROUND THIS LOAD OF BOLLOCKS?"
Point number 1: All the expectant mothers who would use the cash to ensure that they ate healthily would do so anyway, regardless of the handout.
Point number 2: All the expectant mothers who should be made to eat healthily so as to at least give the little ones unfortunate enough to be growing inside them a chance of survival already spend the Family Allowance (or whatever it's called these days) down at the bookies and would be off to Ibiza for the week once the windfall came through faster than you could say "You say tomato, I say bollocks!".
Point number 3. Why does New fucking Labour insist on poking its nose into people's fucking lives and keep telling everyone how they should be living and what they should be doing? FUCK OFF!
Before the cries of "Nazi, Nazi!" start, (I am slightly left of Castro and, although childless, am happy to and do pay tax to help those with kids etc) I am aware that some expectant mums, both employed and at home already raising a family full-time, are struggling desperately to make ends meet and consequently put their own health second when a baby is on the way. These women should be told about the Benefits that are available to them and educated about the need to eat healthily for their babies' sakes. That's a world away from sending out a bonus 200 smackers to everyone who gets up the duff!
What next, eh? Sending out £50 postal orders to young parents in exchange for them agreeing not to lie in the fast lane of the M6? A cheque for £100 to pregnant women if they all agree to move into bungalows and hand in any teatrays and bottles of vodka they might have, perhaps? I know, how about £150 to fathers-to-be if they get through the whole pregnancy without punching their partners in the stomach during alcohol-fuelled, wife-beating sessions, with another £50 on top if they don't leave any bruises during the attack?
If there was any justice in the world it would be the likes of me - people who don't have kids, albeit not through choice - who got bungs from the government. Christ knows, in a civilised society their should be some recompense for people who haven't had their end away since Valerie Singleton was presenting Blue Peter!
..........Still, nice again today, wasn't it? (Right-on, PC government policies for Grantham, by the way.)