Having just watched "The Cult of the Suicide Bomber" on the Devil's Lantern this evening I have at least learnt one thing.............suicide bombing is not for Pither.
The big selling point of blowing yourself up for Allah is, apparently, that you get to go to heaven with 17 virgins. Well, as one who is used to looking at the small print in contracts, I have noticed that no-one actually specifies what sex these virgins are going to be. I mean, speaking as a bloke, you're going to end up looking pretty silly if, when the smoke finally clears, you find yourself on a cloud somewhere surrounded by a bunch of pre-pubescent spotty Herberts, Ruperts and Nigels who just keep on asking "what's it like?"
Even if these virgins turn out to be members of the opposite sex, who in their right mind would want that? Picture the scene. You're up "There", you're feeling a bit frisky and so you put down your harp, slip into the rubber badger's costume and then turn to young Jacasta or whatever her name is only to discover that she's crying, shouting "pervert!" and on the phone to her mother assuring her that she's "saving it for Mr Right".
I've never got the lure of the virgin thing. I remember when I popped my cherry I was also deflowering my girlfriend - and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was messy, slightly painful and all a bit embarrassing, really.
Now, if Allah said to me: "Pither, if you disassemble yourself with explosives for the cause you will go on a bloody long holiday with 17 ropey, huge-breasted old broilers who've been round the block a few times and could trip you up and be underneath you before you hit the ground" then he might have a deal. Give me experience and a slightly casual moral attitude every time.
Anyway, I think the discussion is hypothetical anyway. I mean, if Allah can find one virgin round here, let alone 17 of the beggars, he is a better man than me, Gunga Din - and that's not sexist, rascist or hymenist, before the letters start coming in.
Nah, suicide bombing can go to Grantham.
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12 comments:
I always feel a bit better about the suicide bombers when I imagine that the virgins are all well endowed gay virgins with massive, 18 year old hard ons, and only a regular sized tub of vaseline between them. I mean, the (ex) suicide bomber has just the two orifices.
And I hope that the crispy Glasgow bomber was thinking along those lines as he passed into unconsciousness.
72 virgins. Which is the title of Bozza's book. I have a signed copy. And 72 virgins in my cellar.
Depressing isn't it?
I was so depressed I 'phoned the Samaritans.
I got put through to a call centre in the Middle East.
"I'm feeling suicidal" I said.
"Really? Can you fly an aeroplane?".
Glad that joke is on your blog and not mine.
and there was me wondering what a ropey old (what was it?) large breasted broiler was. . .
anyhow, never one to be put off by the dimishing testosterone levels of the middle aged English male, I thought I'd say a cheery good morning anyhow
or good evening
whatever time it is when this comment makes its way past The Moderator
suicide bombing is utterly utterly tragic for all concerned
Good morning ILTV - and lighten up!
Testosterone doesn't diminish with middle age - but the desire just to have boring sex for the sake of it does. Maybe humour diminishes in women with age?
Also, I don't recall saying that suicide bombing was a hoot. My point was about virginity - however, I WILL make jokes about suicide bombers at a future date. The more you laugh at them, the more you belittle them, the more futile you make their actions, the less likely they are to blow up themselves, and others, in the future!
As the Jewish suicide bomber said "If you want destruction I can get it for you wholesale"
Maybe they're all Anne Widdecombe-alikes.
as a ropy, huge-breasted and eventually humorless) old broiler, i say well said reg. virgins? how is that fun? how is that a reward? because you're the first one there so even if you sneeze on their leg before things are situated it's not like they can bitch because they don't know any better? what? a girl thats going to lie there afterward with a dissappointed expression on her face and say 'is THAT it?'* is worth blowing yourself up over? much less 17 or 72 of the things...? No, no no. gimme a pig foot and a bottle of beer, man.
*like i did. yeah. whaddya gonna do.
Apparently 'virgins' is a mistranslation and should read 'raisins'.
I won't be strapping on an explosive body belt for a bunch of raisins, unless they're chocolate coated ones.
Phew! Thanks FN. I was beginning to think I had upset the whole of womankind. Good on yer. Best wishes, pig foot and a bottle of beer man.
bugger it!
:-O
I was being light. . .
%-/
should have added a smiley face or a little more punctuation!!
:-)
almost didn't put in the "serious" comment about suicide bombers, wish I hadn't now (kind of got the mother in me, I suppose)(sorry)
:-(
the testorone comment was what came out of my fingers onto the keyboard as I was *sighing* at the thought of an 18-year-old's hard on, if you must know. . .
if I'd only known then what I know now. . .
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
;-D
koo koo ka choo!
love and kisses
XXX
ps I'm so sorry, but I've always had a crap sense of humour - my favourite joke being "doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains"; quite like vicus' tho; I'll go back and read the point about virginity, shall I?
:-)
YIKES!! you're there! oh, I'd love to share my cherry* experience with you
but I'm not brave like FN and I'm a lot flatter chested, so I'll spare you the details
(*see, I'm learning)
you can get experience and a casual moral attitude for a couple of pints and a bag of chips in our town. (Allegedly)
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