Pither and the Theological Dilemma

I recently made the slight mistake of being the teeniest bit sarcastic about women so, having ridden the tidal wave of oestrogen-fuelled venom which followed, I now have no fears about retribution from the second most ferocious force in the universe - God.
You see, I'm toying with the idea of getting into this Catholicism thingy. I'm not altogether sure that HE would want me for a sunbeam but it is dawning on me that being on HIS team has definite advantages.
I am an atheist and the way I see it is the only return us non-believers ever get is being able to sit around with smug grins while others talk about their religion, all the time thinking how intellectually superior we are for having worked out that if there is a God then why is there a Piers Morgan?
Let's face it, the holidays are crap! No Bank Holiday Friday for the "Feast of When You're Dead, You're Dead" and no one Monday off in the year to mark the "Eve Of When-Fossils-Fucked-Off-The-Noah-Idea-A-Bit".
We USED to have our own holidays. Christmas used to be a pagan festival but the Christians went and snaffled it for themselves. Gone are the days when it was an honest to goodness celebration of hedonism, gluttony, drinking to excess and debauchery. Now it's just.............Ok, bad example.
Us atheists also have to carry on learning and keeping up to date with the latest advancements in science. Not for us the get-out-of-jail-free card of blurting out "Well, I believe" when the debate gets too taxing and logic has been stretched beyond its limits. Don't forget, we suffer all this while all the time nursing that microscopic doubt that we could be wrong and so will be awfully embarrassed on the Day of Judgement.
Now my soon-to-be ex-wife is a Catholic and I can see the attraction of swallowing your intellectual pride by claiming to believe that a wafer bought from Tesco's and some cheap wine from the nearest off-licence are the ACTUAL body and blood of a man who lived 2,000 years ago.
You see, the current Mrs Pither went out and about for most of the day yesterday, calling into see God as frequently as she could at one of his branch offices near our home. What happened come 7pm? She went out on the lash with her friends! She would no doubt have been smoking all evening and using language which would have made a Scouse docker blush, as is her want in social circles. She certainly appeared to have quaffed 2,987 Holy Communions' worth of wine because I was on hand to witness the results when she woke me up after finally stumbling through the front door at 1 this morning.
All of this would put her in the It's-Brimstone-Boulevard-For-You-Young-Lady club, you would have thought? No, wrong! You see Left-Footers have thought of this and so have two tricks to keep on the right side of the tracks to salvation. Firstly, all they have to do is say to God - or more accurately one of his earthbound sales representatives - something like "Dead sorry about last night. I'll say a load of those prayers and fiddle with my beads a bit". What happens then? They're all quits again and can go back on the lash!

There is one other thing they have to do, however. They have to feel GUILTY. That is absolutely key! Well, I do guilt. I do it really well. I would be hopeless at committing adultery, let alone going around killing people, because guilt would always get the better of me. Hell, I feel guilty for eating because people in the world are starving, I feel guilty for having a house when so many are homeless and I feel guilty for not having shot Thatcher when she came to our town and all I could do was turn out to heckle!
Catholics even get a free snack and a livener at every meeting before the pubs open! They get trendy jewellery (some of the hipper crosses even have little men on them), they get holidays in Rome and they also have the best funerals (ever been to an Irish Catholic wake?). To an atheist a burial is just watching someone do some heavy duty gardening. To a Catholic it is an excuse to go on somewhere and get rammed!
No, not only do you get all of the above, you get eternal salvation should us atheists turn out to have been a bit wide of the mark. Let's face it, if we ARE right and they are wrong, what do they lose?
Right, now we come to the thorny subject of Grantham. What to do? I can hardly send The Big Man there. If he doesn't exist it is a pointless exercise and if he does he is there already, omnipresence being what it is. I know. I'll send the Welsh to Grantham. I'm all in favour of it, the Catholics won't complain and I'm sure HE would approve. HE's no doubt got them down for something worse anyway, come the end of time.