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Wednesday 11 April 2007

A Propo Nothing

"Oh yes, Mrs Thugbearer, young Wayne's chemistry practicals always attract lots of attention,"

Two reports were published today, each of which made me laugh and cry in turns. They have no link, other than they both reaffirm my belief that the world has gone mad, this country and its leaders in particular.
The first was produced by those hilarious boys and girls at the Department for Education (aka The Department For A Mad Max Society. Postal address: Loonytown, Away-With-The-Fairieshire, La La Land). It says that disruptive kids in schools should be rewarded five times more than they are punished and recommends a system of prizes (including iPods, would you believe?) and special privileges which it is claimed will help improve behaviour in class. The authors tell us that parents are "tired" of receiving letters about their offspring's disruptive antics and so one of the rewards should, instead, be "good news postcards" from the school.
How will they read, exactly?
"Dear Mrs Thugbearer,
"I am delighted to report that Wayne's aim is improving day by day.
"During double English he managed to hit Mr Cruickshank in the testicles from 100 yards across the playground with a bolt from the crossbow you helpfully bought him for Christmas and his morning spent sniping on top of the science block during biology practical was a real triumph.
"He is really mastering his birthday present rifle and only two members of staff escaped alive or uninjured during his four-hour target practice, up until the police armed response unit arrived. He even managed to get arts and crafts mistress Miss Blackshaw with a pearler, right between the eyes - that from 75 yards and a strong crosswind. Well done.
"His performance was all the more remarkable because the sights were later found to be defective but I am pleased to inform you that the problem is soon to be resolved as Wayne has promised to release metalwork teacher Mr Arbuthnot unharmed once he has adjusted the settings and so the hostage negotiators will be able to pack up early for the day. This is typical of Wayne - he is always thinking of other people, particularly the lads from the SAS whom he has got to know quite well this term.
"Yours Currently-Manacled-To-A-Device-Wayne-Made-In-Chemistry,
"The Headmaster. XXXX
"P.S. I enclose the keys to Wayne's new beachfront home in Malibu, as promised, following his plucky and well executed napalm attack on the school herb garden."

So, you reward bad behaviour, do you? All that stuff about operant conditioning was bollocks, was it? If old bloody Burrhus Skinner had rewarded his rats for pressing the wrong button he would still be sitting in his fucking lab now, 70 years on, waiting for them to hit the one which played The Star Spangled Banner! As for parents being "tired" of receiving letters about their spawn's bad behaviour, here's a suggestion - either teach them to behave at home, you degenerate wankers, or fucking live with it!

The second report was somewhat more serious but it was so black I just had to laugh, in despair if nothing else.
It detailed the findings of a survey carried out among women in Iraq by the charity Oxfam. One of the questions asked was what women most wanted help with to improve their lives and, having a seriously twisted mind, I just couldn't help picturing the whole thing as a Les Dennis-hosted, Family Fortunes-style quiz.

LD: "So, Mrs Mujahadine, we asked 100 Iraqi women what they most wanted help with to improve their lives and you said......"make-up". Is it up there?....Uh uuuurgh!
"Mrs Peace-Be-Upon-Him, your guess was....."house rebuilding and bullet hole repairs". Our survey said....Uh uuuurgh!
"Mrs Lost-Seven-Relatives-This-Week-Alone, you thought it might be....."the restoration of gas and electricity supplies". Our survey said.....Uh uuuurgh!
"Finally, Mrs Haven't-Been-Out-Of-My-Bullet-Riddled-Home-In-A-Month, you plumped for....."the establishment of an adequate security service and the restoration of law and order". Is it up there? This could be your chance to go on for Big Money........Uh uuuuurgh!
"Hard luck, girls. No, I'm sorry, our top answer among the 100 women surveyed was.............."help removing the dead bodies from the streets!"
Seriously! That was what the women wanted most!! You couldn't make it up. To say that things are a little bad over in Iraq is like saying black is the in-colour for devout Moslem women this year. Jesus, Bush and Blair wanted to overthrow a tyrant and let the Iraqis walk free in the sunlit uplands of prosperity and democracy and after all this time they haven't even been able to clear away the fucking corpses piled up in the streets!
I'm sorry, but trendy educationalists can go to Grantham and, even though the fuckwit brothers have already been sent there, I shall free Bush and Blair, only to return them immediately.

2 comments:

Betty said...

Perhaps the problems raised in the course of this research could be cancelled out. Why not ship badly behaved school pupils to Iraq to help clear the corpses off the streets and generally help to rebuild the country so that the citizens can actually "appreciate" Western "democracy"? The kids would be required to work eighteen hour shifts and any misbehaviour or slacking would result in them facing a firing squad (tough but fair, I think).

Barry Lawrence said...

Hello Betty,

It's certainly a thought....but elsewhere in this blog I have already sent people who hunt foxes, badgers, deer etc to Iraq to put their talents to good use over there so I think they could also clear the bodies away while they're at it.
Besides, I think the Iraqis have suffered enough without having the flower of our youth thrust upon them.

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".