Two reports were published today, each of which made me laugh and cry in turns. They have no link, other than they both reaffirm my belief that the world has gone mad, this country and its leaders in particular.
The first was produced by those hilarious boys and girls at the Department for Education (aka The Department For A Mad Max Society. Postal address: Loonytown, Away-With-The-Fairieshire, La La Land). It says that disruptive kids in schools should be rewarded five times more than they are punished and recommends a system of prizes (including iPods, would you believe?) and special privileges which it is claimed will help improve behaviour in class. The authors tell us that parents are "tired" of receiving letters about their offspring's disruptive antics and so one of the rewards should, instead, be "good news postcards" from the school.
How will they read, exactly?
"Dear Mrs Thugbearer,
"I am delighted to report that Wayne's aim is improving day by day.
"During double English he managed to hit Mr Cruickshank in the testicles from 100 yards across the playground with a bolt from the crossbow you helpfully bought him for Christmas and his morning spent sniping on top of the science block during biology practical was a real triumph.
"He is really mastering his birthday present rifle and only two members of staff escaped alive or uninjured during his four-hour target practice, up until the police armed response unit arrived. He even managed to get arts and crafts mistress Miss Blackshaw with a pearler, right between the eyes - that from 75 yards and a strong crosswind. Well done.
"His performance was all the more remarkable because the sights were later found to be defective but I am pleased to inform you that the problem is soon to be resolved as Wayne has promised to release metalwork teacher Mr Arbuthnot unharmed once he has adjusted the settings and so the hostage negotiators will be able to pack up early for the day. This is typical of Wayne - he is always thinking of other people, particularly the lads from the SAS whom he has got to know quite well this term.
"Yours Currently-Manacled-To-A-Device-Wayne-Made-In-Chemistry,
"The Headmaster. XXXX
"P.S. I enclose the keys to Wayne's new beachfront home in Malibu, as promised, following his plucky and well executed napalm attack on the school herb garden."
So, you reward bad behaviour, do you? All that stuff about operant conditioning was bollocks, was it? If old bloody Burrhus Skinner had rewarded his rats for pressing the wrong button he would still be sitting in his fucking lab now, 70 years on, waiting for them to hit the one which played The Star Spangled Banner! As for parents being "tired" of receiving letters about their spawn's bad behaviour, here's a suggestion - either teach them to behave at home, you degenerate wankers, or fucking live with it!
The second report was somewhat more serious but it was so black I just had to laugh, in despair if nothing else.
It detailed the findings of a survey carried out among women in Iraq by the charity Oxfam. One of the questions asked was what women most wanted help with to improve their lives and, having a seriously twisted mind, I just couldn't help picturing the whole thing as a Les Dennis-hosted, Family Fortunes-style quiz.
LD: "So, Mrs Mujahadine, we asked 100 Iraqi women what they most wanted help with to improve their lives and you said......"make-up". Is it up there?....Uh uuuurgh!
"Mrs Peace-Be-Upon-Him, your guess was....."house rebuilding and bullet hole repairs". Our survey said....Uh uuuurgh!
"Mrs Lost-Seven-Relatives-This-Week-Alone, you thought it might be....."the restoration of gas and electricity supplies". Our survey said.....Uh uuuurgh!
"Finally, Mrs Haven't-Been-Out-Of-My-Bullet-Riddled-Home-In-A-Month, you plumped for....."the establishment of an adequate security service and the restoration of law and order". Is it up there? This could be your chance to go on for Big Money........Uh uuuuurgh!
"Hard luck, girls. No, I'm sorry, our top answer among the 100 women surveyed was.............."help removing the dead bodies from the streets!"
Seriously! That was what the women wanted most!! You couldn't make it up. To say that things are a little bad over in Iraq is like saying black is the in-colour for devout Moslem women this year. Jesus, Bush and Blair wanted to overthrow a tyrant and let the Iraqis walk free in the sunlit uplands of prosperity and democracy and after all this time they haven't even been able to clear away the fucking corpses piled up in the streets!
I'm sorry, but trendy educationalists can go to Grantham and, even though the fuckwit brothers have already been sent there, I shall free Bush and Blair, only to return them immediately.
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2 comments:
Perhaps the problems raised in the course of this research could be cancelled out. Why not ship badly behaved school pupils to Iraq to help clear the corpses off the streets and generally help to rebuild the country so that the citizens can actually "appreciate" Western "democracy"? The kids would be required to work eighteen hour shifts and any misbehaviour or slacking would result in them facing a firing squad (tough but fair, I think).
Hello Betty,
It's certainly a thought....but elsewhere in this blog I have already sent people who hunt foxes, badgers, deer etc to Iraq to put their talents to good use over there so I think they could also clear the bodies away while they're at it.
Besides, I think the Iraqis have suffered enough without having the flower of our youth thrust upon them.
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