I am jotting all this down in a letter to the Royal Society, obviously, but in brief I stumbled across my discovery quite by accident today in my local newsagent's. I had just bought a paper and a pack of fags and, as I turned to head out, there it was, craning its head up to stare at the international art magazines on the top shelf. I say "it" for the sake of scientific accuracy as the actual sex will only be revealed under laboratory conditions (a job for which I shall NOT be putting myself forward ).
I immediately recognised the basic distinguishing features which put this creature somewhat loosely in the infraorder "simian" and I would even go so far as to say I believe it to be closely related to the sub-species "Yoof". It did, however, have enough hitherto unseen characteristics to, I am sure, make it unique.
Lucy
This strange animal stood upright, apart from a slight stoop and roundness of the shoulders, and so is obviously post-Lucy (Australopithecus afarensis). It had also made rudimentary attempts to wear clothing, although I firmly believe it to be a largely nocturnal creature as it had obviously got dressed in the dark.
It wore a large pair of boots but, unlike higher apes, it had left all the laces undone, trailing along behind it, and the tongue of each boot, instead of being tucked inside, was pulled out and projecting forward. This would indicate that it has prehensile toes as there is no other way it could keep its boots on.
It also sported what I can only describe as "a pair of jeans" but they had obviously previously belonged to someone or something about three feet taller than this animal and about 140 lbs heavier. The legs were wrinkled with numerous folds leading down to the boot appendage and - here is one of the most striking features of this creature - its arse appeared to consist of about 28 buttocks and be somewhere behind its knees. The complete shift in this normal positioning of the crotch and backside led to the waistband being perched somewhat loosely less than one centimetre above the pubis. This gave a view from behind of about three inches of the crack of what I can only assume was yet another arse, only this time in the usual simian position.
There was an instantly recogniseable T-shirt affair covering the chest, pointing to obvious "Yoof" links, and this black material carried a legend in which the only words I could make out were "Metal" and "Death".
The head of this animal was the most fascinating part of the whole. There was perfectly straight, incredibly greasy, brown hair hanging down to shoulder length where it had been cut off in a perfectly straight line. This "mop-like" display even covered the facial area but occasionally parted, curtain-like, when the animal moved - which was seldom.
The brief glimpse of the face which I did catch revealed emotionless eyes, some kind of sparse, pubic hair growth around the chin and on the top lip, and skin covered in red pustules.
The precise origins of speech in homo sapiens are unclear but my discovery obviously pre-dated that landmark in our evolution because when I greeted it with a cheery "Morning!" it looked totally startled and then uttered a guttural "Gnaaah!"
I left the shop, my mind racing, just as the animal exchanged some coins for two Mars bars, a Cadbury's Dairy Milk, some Cadbury's Chocolate Buttons and some crisps. I'm not sure what it had been doing during the night but it certainly appeared to have had "the munchies" when I came across it.
"So that's the chocolate and the crisps, is it Sir?"
"Gnaah!"
I am, as I said, busy writing a paper about my find for the Royal Society and, as the glory of the naming belongs to the discoverer, I have decided to call it Shambolicus Grunt Anglopithercus.Grantham shall not have him/her/it - far too precious - but future similar finds can go so as to keep my creature unique.
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Shaggy Blog Stories
6 comments:
Sorry mate three or maybe four already spotted on the shopfloor here, never can tell full count as all look the same.
Dammit! They have obviously bred.
Ever since shaky as we called him nicked our typewriter we aint bin hable too turne out the gud stuff like we uszed two.
such as
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts
or
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
William Shakespeare, "Macbeth"
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Anyway shut the fuck up and pass me a banana.
Tarzan was twat
I have read the above over and over and, apart from some oblique connection with that old theory concerning "an infinite number of monkeys, an infinite number of typewriters and the works of Shakespeare", I have absolutely no idea what this means. Sorry, I am not a bright sort of chap.
Sorry about that meant for the times letter page.
Ah! I see. I shall read it when I have finished pulling the last chip off the paper.
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