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Sunday, 29 April 2007

An Infinite Number of Monkeys But Just One Dog



I have a habit of shortening everyone's name. It is lazy and sometimes annoying but nicknames and minimised monikers make ME feel more comfortable and, I think, put other people at ease through perceived warmth. My favourite nickname of all time was bestowed on a great pal of mine. We call him "Fatal". He instantly took to it. He said it gave him an air of danger, of strength and hidden menace. One fateful day he asked in the pub: "Which incident was it exactly which prompted you all to call me Fatal?" He was less than pleased with the reply. "It wasn't an incident, Fatal. It is because your name is Alan and you are fat!"
My mutant chums have numerous nicknames for me. My male pattern baldness prompted the classic tag "Cadfael" (still one of my favourites). My tendency towards corpulence landed me with "Big Boy" - a name which brings admiring glances from females who instantly put two and two together and make five. The third nickname which comes to mind is "Doolittle". That is not because I am less than hyperactive but because of my obsession with rescuing, patting and seeking out animals. Well, this morning I truly lived up to the title.................I communicated with, if not actually spoke to, an animal!!!!
I know no-one is going to believe this but I swear on all that is important to me that what follows is entirely true.
Being still tired and emotional after the excesses of the last few days, I decided to treat myself to a lie-in while catching up on the news and doing a bit of blogging. Henry, the three-legged leader of the pack round at Pither Towers, had obviously missed his old dad while he was away getting a job and getting drunk and so he was desperate for a cuddle while I was getting ready to post. He clambered INTO bed alongside me and, as I was mulling over things to write about, he reached across me and hit the keyboard with his front paw. He then looked at me knowingly, gave me a kiss and hit the keyboard again. The results were six lines of seeming gibberish, including things such as "AAAAAAAAAABTA" and "/GT3GoIg3GcnY/". You get the general idea?
I decided it was worthy of a post and so originally wrote this piece, including the gibberish, asking if anyone had any ideas what Hen was on about. Well, I wrote the piece and duly hit "publish" and the gobbledigook was transformed on the blog into the following:

o}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I swear the above is exactly what Hen's writing turned into when decoded! Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I find that scary - very, very scary. Purely a coincidence? Well, why then has an image of something a dog no doubt thinks and dreams about all the time appeared? "Imagine a land beyond space and time......doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo." Grantham shall not have Henry - it is the Twilight Zone for him.
P.S. Admittedly, the bit with the "O" and the "}s" at the top doesn't make any sense to me. It might just be the most poignant and informative message of all. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them.

No comments:

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".