I've bought a turtle. I panicked!
I went into the Fish Doctor's shop yesterday to buy some bloodworms and.......there she was. In a tank on the counter, whooping it up with a few mates. I tried to play it cool at first, glancing down coyly each time our eyes met. I'm not that easy. Sadly, the Fish Doc was on fine form.
"Uurm, two packets of frozen bloodworms please."
"That'll be £5. Wanna turtle?"
"Just the worms, please."
"They're cute, ain't they?"
"Worms all look alike to me - especially when they're frozen."
"No, the turtles I mean."
"They do indeed have a certain allure."
"So, you avin' one or what?"
"What's wrong with them?"
"Nothin', honest!"
"You just seem a little determined to get shot."
"Nah, nah, nah. Selling like hot cakes they am."
"An ugly comparison."
"So, you gunna 'ave one?"
"I can't afford it."
"They're only £25 each."
"EACH!! Do they talk or something?"
"Nah, but they swim around a bit."
"Sounds exciting."
"Tell yer what, I'll do you one for £20, seeing as it's you."
"A discounted turtle, eh? An interesting concept. Go on then, you've won me round."
"What kinda platform yer got?"
"Beg pardon?"
"Platform, for 'er to sit on when 'er's not swimming. They'm amphibians yer know?"
"Can't she just stick her head out of the water when she fancies a breather?"
"Nah, gotta 'ave a platform."
"Go on then, how much?"
"Small, medium or large?"
"You are winding me up now, admit it?"
"Nah, we got three different sized platforms. You look like a medium to me."
"Thanks very much. How much is that."
"£13......without the supports."
"I know I'm going to regret this but....well....you made mention of supports. What supports?"
"You gotta attach the platform to the side of the tank or it'll float round."
"Of course you do. How stupid of me. How much?"
"Another tenner."
"Forget it. I've gone off the whole idea now."
".....but seein' as it's you, £7.50 ."
Quite why a £2.50 discount should have won me over I can't explain. Anyway, having gone in to spend £5, I had ended up with a bill for £32.50 - but the Doc wasn't finished yet!!
"What yer gunna feed 'er?"
"Bloodworms?"
"You don't wanna do that. 'Er'll get bloat."
"Heaven forfend. Go on then, I'll buy it - literally. What does she eat?"
"These," he said, plonking a tub of pellets on the counter.
"How much?"
"£2.50."
"Just the same amount as my discount on the supports. What a coincidence. Still, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."
"I certainly do. See ya."
So there you have it. I'm £30 lighter than I should be..........and I've got a turtle - a turtle which keeps getting attacked by my albino African toad. I hadn't really thought the purchase through.
You've got to admire the Fish Doc, though. Sand to Arabs, leeks to the Welsh and coals to Newcastle - he could sell the lot. Grantham shall not have him.
All suggestions for a name greatly appreciated, by the way - for the turtle, that is, not the Fish Doctor. I've got several names for him already.
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7 comments:
Barbara. Or, failing that, cecil.
Call it Henry, unless it's a girl, in which case call it Henrietta.
Turtle soup is nice. Bit expensive at thirty quid a pop though.
If it's a lad call him Illinois Jacquet. If it's a lass call her Irma.
Bob
(the Fish Doc sounds like Cut-Me-Own-Throat-Dibbler from Discworld)
Are you sure it's a turtle? Looks terrapin-like to me. If turtle it be, then I suggest Touche or Myrtle. Or Miss Nomer. If terrapin it be, then I suggest you call it Dave.
Thanks for all those suggestions - my cup runneth over so I shall have a think.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! Doris, I was toying with calling it Dave from the start - I always, always, always wanted a dog called Dave. So, Dave it shall be - she'll get used to it. P.S. Man in shop he say "turtle", so turtle it be. I take your point, though. Still, "tube through the back of its head so it can breathe, bit of green paint, make good? It's a great conversation piece."
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