The almost edible I Like The View - may I recommend her entertaining web log for some musical and often existential escapism - chose to enlighten me with details of this simply marvellous contraption and I would like to share it with you.
It may, at first, appear like the poorest of schoolboy humour to titter behind ones hand at such an invention when bladder weakness is an all too common complaint in late middle age and pregnancy tends to render all valves "down there" untrustworthy.
No, it is neither the contraption itself nor its purpose which I find amusing - it is thoughts of that meeting of marketing executives at which the name of the product was decided - consider their brief.
Bearing in mind the ultimate goal of these morons is supposedly to maximise sales, what in God's name made them think that women would be enticed by the thought that one day they could be in Boots and when they finally got to the front of the queue for the till and handed over this product the burk behind it could stand up and yell across the store: "Madge! Madge!!! How much are the Shewees??!! This lady here wants one. Yes, the lady in the brown coat and the scarf. Yes her. Yes, the one running towards the door now"?
God knows what names they dismissed on the grounds of taste and decency before coming up with this gem? "The Misspiss"? "The Caughtshortport"? Why didn't they go the whole hog and call it "The 'So You Wet Yourself In Public, Do You?' 9000 ZXL"?
I have come into increasingly close contact of late with marketing types in my new and expanded profession and the "Let's run this baby up the flagpole and see who salutes it?" approach to decision making never fails to loosen my sphincter.
So, after mulling over the "discipline" which also brought us "Let's put it on the 4.30pm to Westchester and see where it gets off?" and "If we put it out on the backstep, do you think the cat will lick it up?", let's all send marketing and marketeers to Grantham, shall we?
P.S. Do you notice that "they", like their advertising counterparts, are almost all called or call themselves "executives"? "They", and the equally moronic people who appoint them, think the title makes them sound important and professional and that will be enough (and it is) to take their minds off their sad, pathetic, meaningless existences which they spend buying hair gel and cheap cologne and flogging stuff in one way or another while wearing sunglasses and driving endlessly round ring-roads in Ford Escorts in which their nasty, cheap, shiny suit jackets are hung up on those little hooks behind the drivers' seats. In fact, an executive is, ostensibly, just somone who carries out orders. The Waffen SS was very keen on executives.
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19 comments:
"Travel the world with the comfort of home in your pocket!"....
Now, I have, on occasion, been accused of packing everything but the kitchen sink when going on a trip but even I haven't attempted to take my toilet with me.
So after we have used this...thing, what? We put the sticky smelly sheweeeeeee in our handbag and forget about it while it dries only to find it weeks later with a panti-liner, half a used tissue and a shopping list stuck to it?
Yes, off, off to Grantham with you.
you are so funny I choked on my dinner
thank you for making my day
thank you, reg
(despite having had three sprogs and being flat chested, you'll be pleased to know that my never reagions are suprisingly intact and so I didn't wet myself while I choked/laughed)
I think they should have called it MissPiss as you suggested, and I bet you could come up with a little ditty for those women from Oz dressed in pink who advertise something to do with cars to sing about it on the goggle-box
Isn't there a male version called a 'todgerlodger' or summat? What's wrong with a good old fashioned colostomy bag anyway?
Don't knock marketing execs. Salman Rushie used to be one and he came up with the word 'delectabubble' to advertise aero chocolate.
Pure genius that. Well, better than the Satanic Verses at any rate.
Just what we need for the "apres" match antics up at the old rugby club. I wonder if you can get them second hand on ebay?
Arabella,
No, no, no! You are doing the inventors a dis-service. There is a cork on the tub. What you do is fill it up, cork it, keep it in your handbag, and then when you get to your mother-in-law's house/that Royal garden party/the vicarage you slap it in your guest's hand and say "Be a darling. I wet meself in the motor. Bin that for me, will ya?"
Mswizz for the more pc ?
Garfer,
That explains a lot. I always thought the Moslems were getting steamed up over summat and nowt! If I'd known he was the marketing exec responsible for that I would have issued a fatwa on him!
ILTV,
Why, thank you....and just for you:
For ladies who enjoy a jar,
The Shewee is a superstar.
Girls are bored beyond endurance
Peeing their pants is such a performance.
For bone-dry, bonzer pa-an-ties
Girls get on on to she-ee-wees.
The women at bar
Deserve a drier car.
For bone-dry, bonzer pa-an-ties
Girls get on to she-ee-wees.
Women's sphincters aren't the tightest,
They can get damp pants at the slightest.
For bone-dry, bonzer pa-an-ties,
Girls get on to she-ee-wees!
Girls get on to she-ee-wees!!
BW,
I fear you'd only get out one chorus of "Zoomba, zoomba, zoomba, zoomba" before the Shewee was drained of ale. We need to find the Hattie Jacques, customised version.
Ziggi,
I like it, I like it. You're thinking out of the box, it's blue sky thinking, you're pushing the envelope, it's certainly a starter for ten.
Let's saturate the market to stop women saturating themselves? We could also have "The Sloanecone", "The Widow's Beak", "The Fortysomething Naughtysomething" and not forgetting the Royal Family..."The Lizpizz".
Lovely when i'm up the garden caring too my prize vegetable and need a tinkle! i will not have to go back into the house. your Edna (Mrs)
it's s shame you wouldn't consider marketing as an option for a future career, since that persuit now rests in Grantham, because that lyric was FANDABIDOZOOOOOO. . .
can you write one in the form of haiku?
;-)
Did you mean a Haka? All right, seeing as it's you...
Coffee and tea
And Kiora-ora.
Coffee and tea
And Kiora-ora.
They'll your fill up bladder
Dora, Nora, Cora and Laura!!
A Shewee's the answer,
take that as writ
But always remember
To pee and not shit!
Profane! A pain!
Just plain insane!
Shewees are hits
But no good for squits!
Thought you might like to see the real thing, to see if it scans a bit?
(Ka mate! Ka mate!
Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate! Ka mate!
Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana nei I tiki mai whakawhiti
te ra!
Hupane! Kaupane!
Hupane! Kaupane!
Whiti te ra!)
(...or in English
I die! I die!
I live! I live!
This is the hairy person
Who fetched the sun
And caused it to shine again
One upward step! Another upward
step!
An upward step, another and the
sun shines!)
Frightening warriors, and terrifying poets as well!
ILTV,
I've just Googled "haiku" and discovered it's a form of Japanese poetry!!! That's a bridge too far for me, I'm afraid. Also, it means that I came up with the above when you probably have absolutely no idea what a haka is and so will neither understand nor appreciate it. Ho hum.
These days anyone who wears a suit and tie to work reckons they are an executive.
How about urinatrix?
of course I know what the Haka is
der - I might be a girl, but I do understand men. . .
;-)
and have just watched months and months of rugby
:-D
anyhow, here is a she-la-wee-la haiku (kind of) for you
when girls need to pee
but no loos are to be found:
MsPiss - wee flows free!
Great poetry, what an wonderfully cultural place this is.
We wouldn't use it for beer. We have a specially mixture that involves Baileys, Peanuts, some sort of vile Chinese spirit and a little something that one of the chaps adds but won't tell what it is. It froths and bubbles and is very hard to swallow. It has a theraputic effect of removing all pain and most of your short term memory.
And all this time I thought chessboxing was just another euphemism for "bashing the bishop".
BGT
Oops. Sorry Reg.
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