Shorts Don't Matter! 2.

The England team in confident mood before the big kick-off.


England lost at football tonight. That, in itself, was not startling but this particular defeat assumed some gravitas as it meant that the national side failed to qualify for the European Football Championship in Austria and Switzerland next summer.
Football supporters in England are very sad about this because, instead of travelling abroad next summer to watch their team play, bare their beer bellies and tattoos in the street, get drunk, throw chairs at police and fight foreign people, they will have to stay in England, watch other teams play on the telly, bare their beer bellies and tattoos in the street, get drunk, throw chairs at police and fight each other.
The whole thing, of course, was a fix. England is bestest at everything, as everyone knows, but it is incredibly bestest at football. England invented football - like concentration camps, the slave trade and Big Brother - and so should win all the time because only the English know all the rules. Everyone knows we have the finest league in the world, although very few English people play in it, and the rules are quite clear - games are decided by a panel of fashion designers and lifestyle gurus who sit down after each game and decide which team's players earn most, have the best haircuts, the most expensive clothes, the fastest cars, the most appalling, ostentatious houses, the most roasting/gang-rape convictions to their names, the most drunken attendances at China White's and the thickest, yet ironically thinnest, blonde girlfriends.

Well, Johnny Euro only went and changed the rules tonight, didn't he? For some ridiculous reason it was ruled beforehand that the winner of the game would be the team which got the footbally whatsit into the other team's goal-thing most!!! Talk about loading the odds against England. How the Hell are you supposed to get the ball into the net without touching it? I mean, were they seriously suggesting that our brave lads should mess up £500-a-throw pedicures by kicking it? Besides, kicking it would have dirtied their boots and bits of mud could easily have masked at least part of the name of the sponsors. Also, have you any idea what contact with anything other than hair gel could do to a Nicky Clarke hairdo? I suppose there could have been a way around that but Uefa only went and ruled that personal stylists and agents were not allowed on the pitch during the game. That was just madness.
Anyway, the ball is round, is it not? That means that it rolls along the ground, yes? So, how are you supposed to get near enough to it to blow it? The only way I can think it can be done is to run after the ball. Yeah, right!! How in the name of all that's holy can you pose for photographs, plug your latest line in sports casualwear or sign autographs if you're moving, let alone running?

England tonight played a team from somewhere foreign - I think it was called Croatia - and, while the players got the ball thing into the right goal twice, the Croatians went and put the ball in between England's goalsticks three times. Consequently, the Euro judges only went and decided at the end that Croatia had won because it had potted one more "goal point" than England. Big deal! So bloody what!! Croatia's haircuts were truly awful while the best car any of the players had was a mid-range Mercedes, and even that didn't have fuel-injection! As for their girlfriends, you wouldn't believe it! I spotted at least two in the crowd who weren't even orange!! There was also a rumour going around that the manager's wife didn't have plastic tits!! Not only that, ten of the eleven players they fielded hadn't written an autobiography!! Jesus Christ!!! Some of them were as old as 20 or 21!!!! What the Hell were they doing?
When the referee blew the whistle at the end of the game there was still a chance that England could qualify, however. That would have happened if Andorra (population 18 - number of people required for a football team 11) had beaten or drawn against Russia. Well, as you might expect, the foreigners ganged up against England and fixed the game so that the Russians won by one goal-thing to no goal-things. Typical!!
I know I am upset at the moment but think of the poor England team. Their agonies are not yet over. Radio Five Live said that two of manager Steve McLaren's hair extensions had worked loose during the match and so they will have to be replaced, Steven Gerrard was left with a bruise on his knee and he's supposed to be doing a fashion shoot for Pretty Polly tomorrow and the traffic was so bad that Sol Campbell's private helicopter couldn't land outside Stringfellow's until after 11pm, by which time all the members of the Football Association had drunk all the Krystal champagne! What a nightmare!!
I am really down about the game and how everyone is awful and we're brilliant and it's so unfair and we really deserve to go to Euro 2008 and how our poor players must feel.
Yeah - the England football team, and its alleged manager, can go to Grantham.