Doorstep Deity Dispensers.

They've just been round. They hadn't been for years - not since THAT incident - but memories have obviously faded. You've got to hand it to them, they are determined. Somebody "Up There" obviously wants me desperately.
The model Titanic bell clanged and the dogs went crazy. Despite the time which had elapsed since their last visit, I knew who it would be. Who the Hell else would bother you at 10 on a Sunday morning? I hauled myself out of bed and went downstairs. Right! This time I was ready for them. I was prepared.
I braced myself, rehearsed my lines one last time, and then opened the door. As anticipated, there they were. They're like women going to the loo in pubs - always in twos. Yes, the "Can I interest you in God?" brigade!

I knew at a glance that they weren't Jehovah's Witnesses. They are oily, slick, suited individuals with Action Man haircuts and plastic grins - just like Walt Disney Inc. executives. No, these two were shabby, anoraked and ageing - more your "I'm a recovering alcoholic and Jesus showed me the path" types.
I was determined to get the pair of them back on the bottle by the time I had finished. The doorstep chat with these children of God went roughly as follows:
COG A: "Good morning. I'm sorry to disturb you but we are in the neighbourhood spreading the good news.
PITHER: "I could do with some good news. The telly's bust."
COG A: "Oh dear. Well, this is the good news brought to you in the Gospels."
PITHER: "Have I won something? I didn't subscribe."
COG B: "Yes, you have won a place in the Kingdom of Heaven."
PITHER: "Oh, goodo. I'll just go and pack?"
COG A: "Ah, you have a sense of humour. That is good."
PITHER: "Cheers. I find it gets me through the Hellish existence which is my life."
COG B: "If you let God into your heart you will have salvation."
PITHER: "Salvation from what?"
COG B: "What you say is your Hellish existence."
PITHER: "My existence is made Hellish by people knocking me up on a Sunday morning. Can you see the irony of the situation?"
COG A: "What do you mean?"
PITHER: "My life is currently Hellish because my only chance of a lie-in has been ruined. It has been ruined by you coming round to tell me how you can stop my life being Hellish."
COG B: "Have you thought about going to a place of worship to get some spiritual satisfaction?"
PITHER: "Yes. I'm going there later - it's just that the landlord doesn't open up until 12noon."
COG A: "Would you like to hear The Word?"
PITHER: "Would you like to hear two?"
COG B: "The path to enlightenment lies before you."
PITHER: "The path to the pavement lies behind you. Use it!"
COG A: "God is all around you, you know. He's everywhere."
PITHER: "If that's the case then why does he want you to go door-knocking? Does his omnipresence not stretch to this street?"
COG B: "I think you are not yet ready to let God into your heart. We shall leave you. But remember what God is."
PITHER: "Yeah. It's an anagram of dog."
COG A: "I hope you find some peace."
PITHER: "If I could have found some piece I would still be with her and definitely wouldn't have answered the door to you."
COG B: "Goodbye."
PITHER: "I've enjoyed it."
Strangely, I did feel a lot better after their visit. Not because I had signed up for a tambourine, a communal sing-song in the town centre and some free soup as they would have wanted, but because I had proverbially pissed on their spiritual chips. I think having religion is like having a damn good shag every night - I am truly happy for those who have them but don't go telling everyone about it!!
Doesn't it say something in the Good Book about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you? I am a big believer in that. I am also a devout atheist so, instead of turning up early on Sunday mornings looking scrubbed, healthy, glowing with inner happiness and selling God, perhaps I should roll round to their gaff after chucking-out time on Saturdays, blind pissed, carrying a kebab, and proceed to tell them about the futility of their existence, what they are missing by not letting lager into their hearts and that God is just for those who can't face the fact that when you're dead you're dead!
No, I am not like that. I respect their views but I also respect their ability to make up their own minds. Why can't they do the same?
Sorry, evangelists can go door-knocking in Grantham and leave the rest of us to get some much needed kip.