I, Reginald Pither, would hereby like to formally apologise for the part I played in operating the triangle of death which was the slave trade of the 18th and 19th Centuries...........
.........While I'm on, I would also like to put on record my deep regret at having colonised North America from the 17th Century onwards and then wiping out the native Indian population.
I am also extremely sorry for my abject imperialism over the last 500 years which saw me take over a third of the world and subjugate the people of countries such as India, Australia, Canada, Singapore and other Far Eastern outposts, bits of Africa, the Falkland Islands and various shitholes in the middle of the Pacific.
I am dead sorry for having been the first person in the world to operate concentration camps (Boer War, 19th Century) and I am also really red-faced about having killed loads of French chaps at Agincourt in 1415.
I am mega dischuffed about having massacred the Scots at Culloden in 1746 and then systematically purging the world of the Highland tribes and I can't begin to tell you how fucking pissed off I am about the whole Trafalgar business in 1805.
Christ, am I ever fucking soz about that Battle of Waterloo caper ten years later and what a twat I was over the whole Irish thingy?
Sinking the Spanish armada in 1588 was, let me tell you now, one of the wankiest days of my entire life and I should have my eyes gouged out with red hot pokers for being such a bastard to the Welsh since I don't know when.
I wouldn't begrudge anyone hacking off my testicles with a rusty razor blade and then packing the gaping, weeping, bloody wound with salt for the fucking Crusades of the Middle Ages and don't even get me started on how much of a wank-faced tosser I was for burning witches at around the same time.
God, what a cunt I am! I deserve to have all my skin peeled off and then be dunked in a vat of boiling hot dog shit!!
I'm sorry.
Do you hear me? I'm sorry.
I'M SO UNBELIEVABLY, GROVELLINGLY FUCKING SORRY, ALL RIGHT?.........................Can we move on now?
P.S. Further to the matter of meaningless apologies, I shall be writing to: The Italians about throwing Christians to the lions, the Danish about a few incidents of pillage and maiden-raping, the Germans about two European domestic disputes, the French about just being fucking French, the Welsh about Max Boyce, the people of the South East about Timmy Mallet, the people of my town about clogging the roads at rush-hour, my next door neighbour about his pigeons shitting on my roof.......oh, yes, and various African leaders about the part played by them in selling off their countrymen to the white slavers and getting rich on the proceeds.
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To Make You Laugh and Cry
I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons.
On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  4.2 |
| Mind: | 4.1 |
| Body: |  2.7 |
| Spirit: |  8 |
| Friends/Family: |  1.6 |
| Love: |  0 |
| Finance: |  5.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
Shaggy Blog Stories
6 comments:
Well, frankly, no we cannot move on Reginald, until you trace your family tree back to the 11th century and find out which side(s) they fought on at the Battles of Stamford Bridge and Hastings. You are either an unwelcome Norman invader, an uncouth Scandinavian bully or and unsophisticated Anglo/Saxon/Jute/Celt/Pict/Roman throwback with no sense of self worth. My god! What a fucking mess you have made of these islands.
Now get to it.
Shit! Forgot about those. Yeah, and I'm dead soz about being any one/of of them Johnnies as well. Dead fucking soz! SO INDESCRIBABLY, SPHINCTER-TIGHTENINGLY SORRY!!!!
I think you should say sorry about the mammoths.
Oh, bloody, Hoh! Might have known Dozza would kick in with something I had forgotten. Yes, ok, and the bloody mammoths as well!
Dozmeister, I bet no-one loves you (well, except.....).
Now, do you remember posting the above reply to my comment or where you in the throes of alcoholic mayhem by then? ;)
Oh..........my.............God!!! Sorry, Doris. If you've any idea what it means then pop yourself on a postcard and let me know. I sure as Hell don't know what it means and, no, I have absolutely no recollection of posting it. Yours, in the doghouse again.......
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