Murder! - Murder Most Fish!

There's always one, isn't there? Why can't everyone just play nicely?
Pither Towers has been the scene of bloody murder and the callous killer is still at large! Ok, ok, I might just be racing ahead a little - an occupational hazard for a member of Her Majesty's Press.
The truth of the matter is there has been a death and....... no, no, that's not strictly accurate, either. I am unable to "habeas corpus" so death is only assumed at the moment. What is beyond doubt is that there has been a "disappearance".
The facts, m'lud: There are three fish tanks round at Pither Towers. One is a marine tank with just one occupant - Mongo the Invincible (explanation to follow later). Another houses the legendary Reg, my lobster, and his tropical tankmate, Jabba, a black, bull-headed fish with a serious attitude problem.









The last tank, in my lounge, is home to a collection of tropical fish. Specifically, there is a fish which looks like a badger (honest!) and two couples - a male and female "bright yellow fish" and a male and female "grey, spotty fish" (taxonomy was never my strong point!). Reg used to be in with them all but he was getting the shit kicked out of him by the male yellow fish! Said yellow peril then turned his attentions to his partner, once Reg had gone, and terrorised her, chasing her round the tank at every opportunity. She took to hiding in a little cave or behind the filter in an effort to escape his attentions.

Well, Mrs Yellow is no longer anywhere to be seen in the tank - You do the maths!! Bastard!! He's obviously gone and eaten her, although I'm not sure I can make a murder charge stick.
I don't have much luck with my tank fish (there is also a pond outside). I once spent £35 on a "banana wrasse", a beautiful, bright yellow marine fish. I well remember the day I bought it and how I was reading up on the species as I prepared to release my purchase into the tank to join Mongo. The book said "this species likes to burrow and will often hide in the gravel". I read those words at the precise moment the little git wriggled free of the bag in which it was acclimatising and promptly shot to the bottom of the tank and drilled into the gravel! I never saw the fucker again!! Mystery, of mysteries, even when I cleaned the tank out thoroughly and sifted the gravel I still couldn't find it! I might just as well have tossed a cheque for £35 into the water and just watched it dissolve.
I used to have a marine tank in which one particularly vicious Picasso triggerfish gradually ate all the other occupants before keeling over itself, eventually (no doubt through over-eating). I decided not to restock but for six months kept checking the water to see that the salt level was correct and the ammonia and nitrite levels were kept to almost zero. The water was, in fact, in such pristine condition that fellow enthusiasts used to come round just to admire it! I then decided to restock and so gave the tank a thorough clean, draining all the water out - that's when I found Mongo!!

If you have 20-20 and can see anything blue and yellow in this photo that's Mr M T Invincible.

The little man (a yellow-tailed, blue angel) had hidden himself inside the filter and stayed there for six bloody months without me tossing in so much as a morsel of food (hence his Christening). He was a tad thin, to say the least, and all the colour had been bleached out of him - but he was alive, and is still going strong to this day.
Anyway, back to the case in point. I hate injustice and desperately want to avenge the murder victim but, there again, don't want to oversee a kangaroo court (can fish have a kangaroo court?) I have decided just to stare out Mr Yellow from time to time. He too, as you can see from the photo, has taken to staring back. Bastard!







No, piscine suspected wife beaters and murderers can swim off to Grantham.