My four dogs have got wind of some breaking news and now they and I have become like the Beatles in 1970 - eyeing one another suspiciously and appointing our own legal teams in readiness to sue.
The reason for this threat to the hitherto sweet music made by the Fab Five is the new Animal Welfare Act which this week comes into force in England. Supt Martyn Hubbard of the RSPCA said of this landmark legislation: "Crucially, the new law will mean that owners and keepers of animals will have to provide their animals with their basic welfare needs."
Sounds good, doesn't it? Being northern Europe's greatest animal lover (although that was never proved!), I, of course, welcome this move to get tough on those bastards who are cruel to animals.
In brief, the new law makes it a legal requirement for pet owners to do what is reasonable to provide, and I quote from the RSPCA's website:
* A proper diet, including fresh water.
* Somewhere suitable to live.
* For any need to be housed with, or apart from, other animals.
* Protection from, and treatment of, illness and injury.
You wouldn't think people had to be told these things, let alone forced by law to ensure that they are provided but, sadly, if there are people about who think Noel Edmonds is a jolly good chap, rest assured that there are also people around who think torturing fellow creatures is a jolly good idea.
So, why the canine unrest here at The Towers? Well, that has been generated by the fifth requirement placed on pet owners by the new law. We are charged with ensuring our pets have, and again I quote:
* The ability to express normal behaviour!!!!!
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!
Have these bloody people got any idea at all what constitutes "normal behaviour" for my pack? I've got a fucking Dingo-cross which, to date, has dug up a 30ft-high fir tree in my garden, turned the lawn into a model of Michael Carroll's backyard, raped my three-legged dog Henry on numerous occasions, ripped out and chewed up several phones, eaten the wallpaper in the hall and dug up the grave of the first dog I ever had!!
All four of the buggers piss and shit around the house frequently and the alsatian, who weighs in at six or seven stones, has dumped so spectacularly on occasions that I have been forced to treat the resultant mounds as traffic islands!
My littlest dog is obsessed with trying to hump the alsatian, who is not keen on the attention, and she also likes to shag MY leg when she is bored!
I have, in the past, had strong words with all of the offenders in turn but I can see that going out of the window now. I can almost hear the future exchanges:
"Caty, that's naughty! Put the postman down and don't piss in daddy's apple juice."
"Back off, Fascist! Don't oppress me. I'm just expressing myself. You'll be in court so fast your feet won't touch, son!"
Or.....
"Tilly, please don't shag Padfoot while he's eating his tea."
"Henry!! Get my solicitor on the phone. I'm the product of a 12-parent family, this is an outward expression of my angst and, anyway, society is to blame. It's the European Court of Humping Rights for you, Pater!"
Where will it all end? Politicising and empowering dogs will lead to the ruination of us all.
There will be marches on Parliament, sit-ins, "Dogs Against The War" protests and, before you know it, they will be running the country. We can't have a load of animals with a low IQ, never-ending greed and the desire to shag anything which moves running the place.......hang on a bit. Oh, well, you get my drift.
Thanks a lot, all you hippy, right-on, PC law makers! I've now got the choice of living in a shit and piss-covered, semi-derelict squat backing onto The Somme or spending a lifetime behind bars!
No, let the people of Grantham experience first-hand my dogs' "normal behaviour" and see them try to stay fashionable!!
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4 comments:
From Rover St Bernard, legal reprentative to the canine defence society, Barking Branch.
This is your final warning cease and halt these accusations, by the way did those dog give permission for their images to be used in this article.
R S Bernard
Boneo St
Dogenham
Ps You couldn't just lick my left bollock please , oh no I'll do it then.
Less dog stuff, please. Stick to the incisive socio-political comment that you do so much better. The dog material's starting to wear a bit thin (like your hair).
Dear Mr Bernard,
Ok, I'll ease off. No, I have absolutely no permission to use those pics but, I'm afraid, you'll just have to join the sue queue. x
Dear Anonymous (You must be so proud of your name),
Thanks for putting me straight on that. You see, here was I thinking that this blog was for ME to write about things which strike ME as amusing or interesting and all the time I should have been writing purely to entertain you! I must, obviously, be punished. Who's a naughty boy Reg!
What else would you like me to write about? The best ways to get through the day in a lonely grief hole when you are a talentless fuckwit who has nothing else to do but sit around with your trousers round your ankles while whacking off? I am unfamiliar with this territory but I am sure you could give me details, bearing in mind your obvious, lengthy experience.
My dogs are an endless source of humour and writing material for me. If you want to read other stuff, here's an idea - fucking write it yourself, cunt, if you're so fucking talented!!
Try not to die horribly in an awful road accident,
Love and fondest regards. x
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