Stress, Gay Flamingoes and Political Prats.

There were several things which really "bought my eye" today but, unfortunately, I can't find a common thread...............so it's ramble time!
There was a report in one of the newspapers today which said that record numbers of kiddywinkies are seeing psychologists and counsellors because of the stress brought on by exams. What next? The boys all get psychotherapy because they have just discovered they get a hard-on every time the wind changes direction and the girls have to queue up for analysis because their bras aren't as loose as they once were? Does, perhaps, the mental torment of becoming milk monitor signal the need for a two-month stay in The Priory? Should a team of specialist advisers be on hand at the Martin Bormann Comprehensive every time the "goody stars" are stuck on the exercise books at the end of the week?

I didn't have fucking counselling! I don't remember Sigmund Freud knocking on the bleedin' door when I was sat in the front room trying to drill it into my head that a mammal was a "bilaterally symmetrical, metamerically segmented, triploblastic metazoan"! I used to cope with the stress by playing with my Slinky (not a euphemism) or listening to The Tremeloes!
It's not the little cherubs I blame. It's the wankers who say "Do you need counselling?" and not "Why don't you just fucking DEAL with it? Life gets so much more shit, believe me. If you're having problems coping with the stress of exams in which 90 per cent of the work can be done by your fucking mum and dad on the internet and the rest involves questions as taxing as 'Which came first, World War I or World War II?' then I suggest you are going to have a totally and utterly miserable life!!!!"
The next story of burning import which proverbially kicked me in the nuts today was that two "gay flamingoes" at a wildlife park somewhere down south had been given a chick to adopt. Fuck me!! Things really have got out of hand.
How do they know this pair are gay, anyway? It can't be the obvious clue involving bottoms and penises, can it? Ever thought that they might just be mates? Maybe they don't want to be lumbered with a little one and would just rather be left alone to go out on the lash, however flamingoes do that? Is it just that they are both pink? Why choose them ahead of straight flamingoes? Will the chick grow up gay or straight? What happens when the little bird goes out into the wide world and has to cope with the taunts which will no doubt follow references to "my daddy and my daddy"? These are issues which need discussing.
Finally, spare a thought for the constituents of Liberal Democrat MP Richard Younger-Ross. They voted him in thinking that he would combat global poverty, restore the National Health Service to excellence, end the war in Iraq, radically improve our current Third World education system and irrigate the Sahara and make vast new areas cultivatable (to borrow a line from some famous people). No! Instead of that, what does this evident waste of oxygen do? He tables an early day motion in the Commons, backed, would you believe, by fellow Liberal Democrat Colin Breed and Labour MPs John Robertson and David Drew, calling for the voting system in the Eurovision Song Contest to be changed!!!!!

Seriously!!! Dick (if ever a nickname was warranted) believes that the current system is "harmful to the relationship between the peoples of Europe". He has come to the earth shattering conclusion that countries voted for their neighbours rather than for the best songs!!!! Where is his fucking constituency, exactly? Outer Mongolia? A cave in the middle of the Amazonian rainforest? It's taken him this fucking long to work that out!!! What's more, he's fucking bothered about it!!!
Lordy, lordy, Christ's kittens! The world is getting madder.
Right, to summarise. A bus is leaving for Grantham and I want "counsellors", "bent flamingoes" and Richard Younger-Ross to be on it. Tatty bye, everyone, tatty bye!!