Thank God for the Scots! I never thought I'd write those words but our Pictish brothers and sisters have shone a laser beam through the hitherto impenetrable blackness created by those old chums of mine, the health Nazis.
The control freakery which is New Labour has dictated that each of our northern cousins, like us southern types, has to be constantly surrounded by four Whitehall civil servants at any one time (yes, I fear there are four of them for every one of us) who should follow them around all day, yelling in their ears "Do this! Stop that! Drink this! Stub that out! Jog, damn you, jog! Don't eat that! That's bad for you. Don't enjoy yourself!"
Well, in the land of the fried Mars bar, one jolly Scots cove is proverbially sticking two fingers up to the Department of Health - the department with the entirely appropriate acronmym Doh!! - by producing and marketing......Irn-Bru sausages!! Hurrah!! Good for him, I say.
This should be the start of a trend, I think. Chocolate Ryvitas? Whisky-laced muesli? Guinness yogurt? Nicotine-saturated Highland Spring Water? Monosodium glutamate-packed fruit?
I would take this a step further and have all these pioneering comestibles researched, produced and marketed by a new Government quango, a sort of McDepartment - The Foundation for the Unfettered Choice to Kill Ourselves For Fun, perhaps? Otherwise known as FUCKOFF!!
I, for one, shall be stocking up on Irn-Bru sausages, if only to help make them a success and proverbially ram one up the sphincter of the maniacal mandarins.
Health foods can go to Grantham.
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2 comments:
Reg, old thing, if I were you I would eat the mandarin instead of the sausage. I am not one for forcing my vegetarian lifestyle on others, but I do find myself a little concerned about your ire. It won't do you any good, you know. Have a nice bowl of lentils, and see if you don't feel more peaceful.
Sweet Jesus, Vicus! Not only are you from Leicester (where they eat their young), you are a bleedin' veggie as well!!!
Anything else you want to let slip? You're not, by any chance, a born-again "Keerishchun", are you?You don't spend your Saturday nights sitting around, cross-legged, with others of that ilk, listening to the Spinners and being complicated, do you?
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