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Thursday, 17 May 2007

Great Mysteries of the Universe - No. 2.


Further to my post about "The M6 - What, exactly, is it?", I have a fresh question to baffle the thinking people out there.
"What, exactly, is an IT Helpdesk?" I have had the misfortune to be in regular contact over the last couple of days with the creatures which man this so-called "service" for the company I work for and I am a tad bemused as to what they are really there for.
I could waste time going into detail but I think it is suffice to roughly summarise the telephone conversation I had with one of these coves today. It went something like this:
Pither: Hello, is that the IT Helpdesk?
Brainiac: Yeah.
Pither: Who am I talking to?
Brainiac: Jason.
Pither: Ah! You're the guy I spoke to yesterday?
Brainiac: Don't think so. We're all called Jason here (Thinks....Jason is actually on a week's holiday so we all say we're Jason so he gets all the shit from us being about as useful as a tap on a canoe today).
Pither: I've got a problem with my computer.
Brainiac: What sort of problem?
Pither: I don't know the precise technical term but, I think I would say, it's fucked!
Brainiac: What do you mean by 'fucked'?
Pither: It doesn't work. I mean that, when I switch it on and try to get it to do something, it won't co-operate.
Brainiac: Is it plugged in to the wall?
Pither: (having dealt with these animals before) Jesus H Christ!! You mean I have to stick the three-pronged plastic bit at the end of the wire into the hole in the partition between us and the mental health unit?
Brainiac: Yes.
Pither. Yup. Managed that.
Brainiac. Have you switched it on?
Pither: Do you mean have I flicked the little moveable up-and-down switchy thing on the wall socket down so that some red shows?
Brainiac: Yup.
Pither: Yup.
Brainiac: Is it working now?
Pither: Like I told you, no!
Brainiac: Have you tried rebooting?
Pither: As in going out to buy a change of footwear?
Brainiac: No, I mean have you turned off the computer and switched it back on again?
Pither: Yup. Done that.
Brainiac: Is it working?
Pither: Nope!
Brainiac: Can you ring back after 5pm?
Pither: Why?
Brainiac: I finish at 5pm.
Pither: I kinda hoped you could help me now, seeing as I've got loads to do and it needs to be in by yesterday.
Brainiac. Are you on a PC or a Mac?
Pither: A PC.
Brainiac: That explains it.
Pither: What does?
Brainiac: PCs are shite!
Pither: Well, I'm kinda stuck with this. Can you help me at all?
Brainiac: Do you like Star Trek?
Pither: Is this relevant?
Brainiac: I love it. I've got all 2,456 episodes going back to when Spock was an Arturian Mingecreature, before he moved to..............
Pither: I'm still here, you know.
Brainiac: Isn't Dr Who fab?
Pither: I get up earlier so I can hate it longer.
Brainiac: Patrick Troughton was the best.
Pither: Have you ever heard 'The Cheese Shop' sketch by Monty Python?
Brainiac: Is it on an MP3 format or do you have to cross-interface it with a 8X2000 module and then upload it on the Q system?
Pither: Do you remember me and my computer?
Brainiac: What time is it?
Pither: It's now almost 5pm. It was 2pm when we began this journey into the unbelievable.
Brainiac: Oh goodo! I'm going to see the uncut version of Tron with my flatmate tonight. We've got to be there just after 6pm.
Pither: Is your flatmate a girl?
Brainiac: No.
Pither: Thought not. Will you do me one favour before you go?
Brainiac: I'm here to help.
Pither: Would you try to die horribly in a car accident on the way to the cinema?
Brainiac: I've got a moped.
Pither: AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhhh.

Sorry, but IT Helpdesks and all who populate them can sod off to Grantham!

7 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

pebcak

Anonymous said...

If your IT helpdesk is run by fujitsu in salford I can confirm that Jason is a twat. Also they just lost the contract with us, and its run by a company in that place up north, the one with the crooked spire, near Iceland {no not the freezer place) Anyway everything keeps breaking down, seems the old company swapped any good stuff for old crap Reminds me of the time the email kept packing up at work and IT said it was the stack overheating, mmm... and as the equipment was on site I made friends with one of the 3 fingered nerdy spocktastic Jasons. It was indeed a stack, a stack of about 25 plugs going into a poundland extension socket, overload solution put an equally crappy fan on it to keep it cool. Anyway got to go and watch star trek now.

Anonymous said...

Just for you, Reg.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LLTsSnGWMI

BGT

Barry Lawrence said...

Vicus,

I just know I'm going to regret this but...well...go on then. What does pebcak mean?

Anon,

Our IT no-helpdesk is up north, true, but it's not Salford. I think it's based at Chester Zoo (simian enclosure).

BGT,

Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

That "Jason" sounds like a twat. I mean everyone knows that Tom Baker or the current Tardis inhabitant David Tennant are the better than Troughton as the good Doc...

Love
Big Ears

Vicus Scurra said...

See, Reg, if you knew stuff like this you could get that job in IT that you so obviously crave.
"Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard"

Barry Lawrence said...

Vicus,

It was obviously part of a secret language used by IT nerds. In the same idiom as IJWLOTRAANRMO (I've just watched Lord of The Rings and am now racking myself off!).

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

Puzzle of the day from perplexus.info:
More Triangle Numbers (Difficulty: 2 of 5)

Triangle numbers are calculated taking each integer plus all the ones before it. The first triangle number is 1, the second is 1+2 or 3, and the third is 1+2+3 or 6.

If you take 8 times a triangle number plus 1, the result will be a perfect square. This number also will be the square of the triangle number's place doubled, plus one.

For example, 6 is third in the triangle number sequence. (1, 3, 6...) This means 8 times 6 plus 1 = 49 equals 3 times 2 plus 1, squared, or 7 squared.

Prove why this works.

Comments and solution | More in " Numbers" | Add to your page
Who fucking cares!!

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".